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I've been trying to write something here for months.  Literally months.  I open up my laptop, log into my account and proceed to write a few sentences before completely blanking out.  I stare at the screen thinking that if I do this for long enough the thoughts I have knocking around in my head will magically appear, like when you stare at a cloud long enough it starts to look like an old man's profile blowing smoke through pursed lips or a dog on roller skates.

I guess this is what they call writer's block.  Only I don't fancy myself a writer and the only things I've ever thought I was any good at writing about are death and desperation.  Well, writing about those things indefinitely has turned out to be unsustainable for me.  I think partly because of self-consciousness and partly because I don't know how many times I can write about the same thing.

I miss George.  I wonder what he would have been like.  It is lonely.  It never goes away.  Sometimes I miss the person who I was before he died.

There.  You just read the summary of this entire blog in five sentences.  How is that for some Cliff's Notes?

But I keep coming back here because since I left Los Angeles and the handful of people there who I was readily able to talk to about those five sentences I'm kind of on my own out here.  Of course there is the phone and Skype but it just doesn't feel the same as sitting in front of or next to someone who you can look in the eye and know that they understand you.  My life here feels utterly and completely removed from the one I was living in California.

There is a support group meeting tomorrow morning.  I already know that I am going to miss it.  I've looked up meetings here before and thought about going to them only to chicken out when the date came near.  I'll do it again tomorrow, I am sure of it.  Because as lonely as I am in my grief I am even more afraid of allowing myself to go back to the emotional place that going to a support group will bring me to.

I've been emotional enough recently as it is.

So I am back here...watching for old men and dogs on roller skates.