.got me a pair of brand new shoes.

I have big feet.  Not clown-like feet but they are large.  That makes it very hard to find cute shoes that fit me.  For months I have been trying to find a pair of casual oxfords and I have finally found them. 

Well, I actually found them about a month ago but because I had only seen them online I was hesitant to purchase them.  Rewind to yesterday.  Leif and I were walking around Silverlake after some delicious tacos from Ricky's Fish Tacos and I stumbled upon them.  I was pleasantly surprised because they were much cuter in person than I thought they would be.  Sadly, and as usual, they did not carry my size so I had to end up buying them online. 

I am looking forward to pairing them with rolled up jeans.  Something like these outfits...

From here.

From here.

Or something like this...

1. Anthropologie
2. Freidasophie
3. Anthropologie
4. Anthropologie

.sundays.

Sundays are my favorite.  Slow, comfortable, grocery lists, the farmer's market and strawberry lemonade, the smell of clean clothes, the feel of crisp clean sheets at night...


It is artichoke season and english pea season.  How much do I love dipping green leaves in garlicky butter?  How much do I love the pop of an english pea?  So, so much.


Oh, and it is time for sweet nectarines.  Like peaches, only without the fuzz and with more tang.  Like peaches, only better.


On the menu this week are dishes that fill our home with the smells and tastes of late spring and early summer.


Pasta bolognese
Steamed artichokes and salad
Spring green risotto with asparagus and peas
Nectarine, prosciutto, gorgonzola and arugula pizza

.campground chic.

Ever since Leif and I stayed at the Ace Hotel we have been kind of preoccupied with mixing some of that particular design aesthetic into our own home. I guess you could call the style...campground chic?  Maybe modern rustic eclecticism? Or perhaps vintage military modernism?  Whatever.  Its cool no matter what ridiculous term I try to give it.

The design (by Commune) incorporates a lot of, what most people would consider, cheap and mundane fabrics like canvas and linen and layers them with interesting patterns like the kilim rugs.  In our room there was also incorporated some danish modern chairs, which is another design style that Leif and I are partial to.

So how to mix up into our style.  I don't think it will be too difficult to do because our style is pretty eclectic as it is, and what's adding one more pattern here or one more texture there gonna do anyway?

I already have some ideas for the bedroom.  As it stands the room is fairly feminine and I've been slowing trying to "man it up" a little.

This is our bed and duvet (in natural):

I am going to get an Italian Army wool blanket like this one to use as a throw on the bed.  I really like the idea of mixing the femininity of the duvet with the masculinity of the wool blanket.

Today I ordered a lot of 6 vintage burlap gunny sacs from here (which, by the way is the coolest online antique site I've seen in a long time) and we are either going to sew them together to make a wall hanging to go behind the bed or we are going to make some throw pillows for the couch.

I'm leaning towards the pillows.  Something like this:

 From Etsy seller lesliejanson

I also really like the kilim rugs that are in the Ace.  I'm kicking around the idea of laying a couple of these down in our living room because right now we just have bare hardwood floors.

We'll see...

.the numbers game.

In my alternate life, the one where George is still snug inside me waiting for his debut, I would be taking the board exam this week.  I would have been studying for it for the last ten weeks so that when he was born I could just focus on getting to know him.

That seems to be how I mark the passage of time these days.  Everyday that goes by is one day closer to the day he should have been born and one day farther from the few minutes I had with him while he was alive.  I would be 37 weeks pregnant now...full-term.

I recently read a quote from a woman whose son, whom she refers to as Pudding, was delivered stillborn at 41 weeks.  More than anything that I've read in the last eight weeks, what she said pretty much summed up exactly how I have been feeling. 

"I suppose one of the profoundest changes in myself since Pudding died is that I have completely lost the ability to be comforted by statistics.  This may not sound like much but for someone who's resolutely agnostic it feels as serious as a believer losing faith in God: that thing that convinced me that I was safe and protected from the calamities of the universe--gone.  And will never come back, I don't think."

As someone who works in the medical field, I know statistics.  I know statistics because I give them to my patients.

I know that fetal SVT is diagnosed so rarely that there aren't even many statistics in the medical literature.  I know that our pediatric cardiologist, whose practice extends throughout most of Los Angeles (a city which has an annual number of births somewhere around 160,000) only sees 1-2 cases like ours a year.  That makes the roughly estimated probability of this this happening to us at about 0.00125%.

I know in fetuses with hydrops associated with SVT, conversion of the heart rate back to normal using Digoxin is successful in about 15% of cases and 72-95% in cases using Flecainide.  I was on both and even with an intracardiac injection of the Digoxin it did not help to keep him out of SVT for any meaningful amount of time.

According to the American Cancer Society I have a 0.12% lifetime risk of developing breast cancer.  According to the National Weather Service I have a 0.016% lifetime risk of being struck by lightening. It is more likely for either of these things to happen to me over the course of my life than for George to have SVT.  Ok, so I know my math isn't quite right given that I can't really calculate the lifetime risk of having a baby with SVT (that also depends on the average number of pregnancies a woman has throughout her life) but I think you get the point.

Am I paranoid now?  Do I live my life in fear that something else that is also terrible and slightly less improbable than what has already happened happening again?  Not really.  But now those numbers that I tell my patients, as if I was giving some form of reassurance to them, don't mean anything to me anymore.  I don't think they ever will again and now I know that bad things, no matter how improbable they are, can really happen.  And they already have happened.

.we need a vacation.

Now that I am finally done with all my make-up assignments (almost, anyway) I keep thinking about a vacation.  An escape.  A week, maybe more, of relaxation and time away from the daily reminders of George.  This is especially more important to me as his due date gets nearer.  I really don't want to be in this apartment when that day rolls around, even though it looks like I will be.

So I've made up a little list of imaginary places I would like to go if we could get out of here.

1. Manzanillo, Costa Rica.  This is where we went on our honeymoon.  It was spectacular.  Quiet, remote, beautiful, and peaceful. 

2. Switzerland.  Leif has always wanted to go here and after looking at photographs of the place, I do too.  It seems like an ideal place to go hiking and enjoy a leisurely vacation.  Plus the big bonus is that the food is probably amazing.

3. Nicaragua. This appeals to me in the same way that the Caribbean side of Costa Rica does.  It isn't a typical tourist destination and so would be pretty low key.  Just like us.

4. Barcelona, Spain.  We spent three days here two summers ago and we left telling ourselves that we would be completely happy to live there.  It may be a huge city with tons of tourists but it feels very comfortable.  I was amazed at all the history in the city and found the gothic quarter completely charming.

.a little confession is good for the soul.

I want to go here. 

Call me crazy but I think it looks like fun.  I mean, fun aside from the millions of people that are going to be milling around.  I guess what I really mean is that the idea of a Harry Potter theme park is fun. 

.string gardens.

I love this.  If I wasn't so good at killing plants I would want one (or ten, or twenty) of these things.

Here is where you can see more.

.the heart of the house.

Living in an 800 square foot apartment has its challenges.  For one thing no matter how much stuff we get rid of there just is never enough storage space.  The other biggest issue with the apartment, at least for me, is that our kitchen is pretty tiny and only has one tiny window.  When I dream about our future house the first room I always think about is the kitchen. White, bright, with lots of windows.

These are some of my favorites right now.

House Beautiful

House Beautiful

House Beautiful

Bosworth Hoedemaker

.an arrival from pdx.

Leif and I are lucky.  Well...if you exclude the obvious horrible lack of luck we had recently.

We are lucky because we have some pretty damn good friends.  Friends that most people just aren't lucky enough to find.  Friends that you can always count on to be there when you most need them and to know you well enough to ignore you when you act like a punk.

Marc and Natalie are some of those friends.  They flew in from Portland last weekend to celebrate my graduation and to spend some time with us.  Secretly I suspect that they were just looking for an excuse to come to the beach.  But who can blame them when they live in a city that is rainy like 300 days out of the year or something heinous like that.

I've known Natalie for almost sixteen years and she is ultimately the person responsible for the love connection between Leif and myself.  Her husband (then boyfriend) and Leif worked together at the time and she was the one who had the foresight to "introduce" us in the hopes that we would hit it off.  It worked. Obviously.

Anyway...like I said, Natalie and I have been friends for almost sixteen years.  Our friendship currently has its learner's permit and will soon be going to the DMV to get its license.  Watch out fellow motorists because our friendship drives a speedy red sports car.  Which runs on biofuel, of course.

As always we had a great time with them and the weekend just flew right by us.  I think the reason for that had something to do with the fact that we ate so much food that we were not physically capable of keeping up with the weekend.  Which is the only important marker of a successful weekend.

That is, food and the beach.  Those are the two markers of a successful weekend.  A little smash ball, a little sandcastle building and a serious lack of enough sunscreen for Marc and Leif made for a fun day at a relatively empty beach. 

When it was time for them to return to Portland and to their hipper, more tattooed friends we were sad to see them go. They are two people who we would love to live nearer to.  Maybe one day. 

.and i now pronounce you graduated.

So technically I haven't graduated yet.  Because I missed so much school when I was in the hospital and after my c-section I am having to make up a lot of work.  It is just busy work but I am literally just happy that they are letting me graduate that I don't really care at this point.  For a good five or six weeks I really thought that I was going to have to repeat a class next year because it is only offered once during the course of the program.  I was almost at the point where I thought I was going to have to pick up another nasty habit to ease my anxiety as my nails were already chewed off as much as they could possibly be. 

By next Tuesday I think I will be completely finished and then I can move onto the next hurdle...passing the board exam and finding a job.  Like a real job with real patients. 

It still feels a little surreal to be done with school.  When I started this program three years ago it was with 45 other strangers.  Now I am finished and had to say goodbye to 45 friends (ok, not really all 45 are my friends but it just seemed less dramatic to say anything less).  Some of them I know I will probably never see again.  Others I am sure I will always keep in touch with, in one way or the other. 

 

.palm springs.

I've come to the conclusion that I am really just an old woman in a young woman's body.  While at the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs this came to me as we lay poolside, observing all the other hotel guests.  There were too many people.  Especially too many overly-young (very early 20-somethings), overly-bronzed, overly-loud, and overly-hip people for my tastes.  At some point in my life, probably about eight years ago, I would have loved this crowd (because I was this crowd) but now it is just too much for me. 

But that being said it was fun.  The place is pretty darn cute and the rooms were very comfortable.  By far the best part of the trip was the airtram ride and hike in the San Jacinto mountains just above PS.  I would definitely recommend going at least once to anyone who lives in Los Angeles.  It was absolutely breathtaking.

.my favorite mothers.

  Mom,

You have always been there for me when I've needed you.  You laugh with me when I laugh and cry with me when I cry.  I know you are proud of the way I have turned out and I have you and dad to thank for that.  Thank you for always supporting me in everything I do.

Lisa,

I watch you with your girls and I am amazed.  You have raised a wonderful little person named Maya.  She is inquisitive, well-behaved, and happy.  It is so obvious that Leela loves you so much.  I know that she will grow up to be just as wonderful as Maya but in her own great ways.  I hope that I will be as good as a mother as you are.

 Tricia,

How can someone get so lucky as to have you for a mother-in-law.  You are kind and patient and generous.  You have always made me feel welcome and a part of your family.  Although you are so far away you have been with us through our hard times.  I have you and Eric to thank for raising such a wonderful son.

 Grandma,

You have been gone for over three years now.  In my life you are the strongest, bravest, and most incredible woman that I will ever know. 

Jackie,

You are an enigma.  I have no idea how you raise two active one-year old babies and have all the energy you do.  You are super-mom and super-friend.

.here.

The last few weeks have been full of important dates; Leif's 35th birthday, our anniversary and my graduation.  But what we've noticed is that it has been difficult to really celebrate these occasions because every happy event is tinged with a sense of loss that is very deep.  That loss only seems to grow and expand as June 16th gets nearer.

But still...we try.  We try to celebrate these events because otherwise life just sucks too damn much.  Eventually we will get to a place where our life is amazingly happy again punctuated by moments of sadness rather than the reverse, which is what it feels like to me right now.

Truth be told, that is how I want things for now.  I want to honor George's brief life and the only way I know how to do that is to feel incredibly sad.  I am ok with keeping him close in that way.  Maybe one day I will find another way to keep him near to me without feeling the way I do.  But for now I am good with this way.

.05.06.07.

I loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you.  No, I loved you long before that.  I loved you from the moment of my creation.  My heart has always belonged to you, long before I knew your name.

Thank you for loving me back.  Thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for making my life amazing.

Happy 3rd anniversary.

.want.

...need.

found here

.the grey room.

i want to stay here.  i feel close to him here.  in this gray room.  it is already beginning to smell musty and there is dust on the floor.  people are forgetting that this room exists.  we get visitors less and less frequently and i get lonely here. 

he still lives here.  i can hold him and kiss him here. 

i wonder if one day i will wake up and not remember how to get here anymore.