employed

I went in today to sign some paperwork and to get the hiring process started.  After my background check is finished and I review/sign the contract I will officially be employed.  

It has been a really difficult process trying to find a job that I felt like was a good match for me.  I sent out so many resumes and went to so many interviews only to find that each place had a pretty significant issue that made me feel very doubtful that it would be a good working situation for me.  This job came along right before I was about to accept a position that I had strong reservations about.  It has nearly everything I had on my dream job wish list and the things that were on that list that it doesn't have were not ones that I was overly concerned about.  The best thing about it is that the group I will be working for is incredibly supportive of their employees and highly values the balance between work and personal life.  

Finally, after so many years of school and all the drama that ensued with my program in regards to graduation because of the the time I had to take off (a whopping two and a half weeks) after my c-section with George, I am going to be able to actually put all my hard work to some use.  

Of course, this does mean my internet time is going to be severely limited...

Oh, my lovely internet, I will miss you and all the things I learn from you.  At least I don't start for another six weeks so I have some time to adjust to life without you in it everyday.

(almost) working

The last two days have been filled with four interviews, a dozen handshakes, a permanent not-totally-genuine smile plastered on my face, and the same questions about my strengths and weaknesses.  How does that saying go?  Feast or Famine?  When it rains it pours?  Whichever, I have been spending a lot of time in my car, driving around town in my suit.  I have two more interviews scheduled for later this week.

Why is it so difficult to find a flattering suit?  Every time I put on my "interviewing" slacks and jacket I feel like if it were silver I would make a pretty convincing tin man -or woman, in this case- for Halloween.  

Anyway, I guess this means that I will probably start working soon.  I figure at least one of these places might want to hire me.  Take a chance on a new graduate?  Perhaps.  Fingers crossed.  Not having to work these last months has been great but at the same time being at home and alone for most of the day has not been particularly healthy for me.  Physically or mentally or emotionally.  Especially emotionally. Netflix, the internet, the refrigerator and I have become too close.

I need some responsibility.  As things are I have very little of that going on in my life, which for a long time after George died was what I needed.  But now the most I do during my days is clean the house and make dinner.  Last night was sunchoke and leek soup with tarragon and roasted garlic.  I get bored and so Leif ends up eating pretty well.

I used to be terrified at the kind of responsibility I was going to have practicing medicine but now I almost find it welcoming.  I am growing weary of living inside of myself.  I want to take care of other people again.

Well, as it turns out Leif is sick today.  Poor guy woke up with a sore throat and stuffy head but he had to go in to work anyway.  He was going to only go in for a half day but is probably going to be there until he normally gets off work because someone else called in sick today.  I think that is called, responsibility.

For dinner tonight I'm making something that will be easy on his throat.  I'm going to take care of him.

I may not have a lot of responsibility in my life right now but I do have a lot of love.

.the dating game.

One week ago it was 113 degrees, the hottest day ever in recorded history in Los Angeles.  Yesterday it rained all day causing the power in our apartment to go out for the entire afternoon and part of the evening. Today, my fingers are cold and I am bundled in a terry cloth robe.  By the end of the week it will be in the upper 70s and sunny again.

This is the way that Los Angeles changes seasons.  It has trouble making up it's mind one way or the other; like me trying to find an outfit to wear to an event.

I went for a walk yesterday in the rain, around the reservoir, with my friend Melissa and her dog Emma. For once I felt like I looked like the other people who frequent that 2 mile path since almost everyone is either jogging or pushing a stroller or walking their dogs or doing all three at once.  I felt like saying, "See I have a dog too!  I do belong!  I do belong!"

By the time I got home in the afternoon and sat down in front of my laptop with the intention of beginning another day scouring the internet for a job...the power went out.  LA is unaccustomed to the rain.  Power goes out.  People suddenly forget how to drive, frequently confusing the accelerator and brake pedals.  Burly, mean-looking men ride their red ladies' beach cruiser bicycles in the middle of the very busy La Brea Blvd.  People wander around aimlessly in fugue states perplexed by how they have been transported to a place that looks like their city but somehow just wetter.

So I spent the afternoon reading.  Reading on the couch, in our bedroom, in a hot bath.  All the while feeling nervous that I need to be finding a job.  Is there even a job out there that is right for me?  How will I find it?  How will I know?

I feel like I am a contestant on a pre-MTV dating game.  Brianna loves walks in the park and moonlight strolls on the beach.  She loves going to see live music but likes to be home and curled up with a good book by 11pm (9pm in truth but this is a dating game and no one tells the whole truth on those anyway).  She is politically liberal.  Brianna hates machismo and when men wear front pleated pants.

Only the ultimate prize in this dating game is a paycheck and a happy work environment instead of a one-night stand everlasting love.

I think I am going to go take another hot bath.

This: Awwwwkwwwwaaaaarrrrrddddd!

.stay at home wife.

It is a luxury to be able to stay at home, for sure.  However, I think that there are other people who would probably be better at it than I am.  Something happens to me when I am at home alone for days on end, I wind up spending way too much time on the couch.  I believe the scientific name for the process is "lazification."  This is, of course, in addition to fact that the more time I spend living with just myself the bleaker things around me look.

This is all to say that although I appreciate the fact that Leif has a job that pays well enough for me to take my time in finding a job (although this grace period can only last until December, when my loans are up for repayment), I miss working.  I miss seeing patients.  I miss waking up in the morning and having a purpose to my day that doesn't involve checking my Google Reader a dozen times or organizing spreadsheets for our vacation.  I miss the satisfaction I get from focusing on someone else's problems and working toward finding a solution for them.

Of course, for all the things I miss about working I can't say that I miss the anxiety that comes with the responsibility of handling someone's health.  That is no small thing for me.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that the responsibility I feel when taking care of patients is a huge defining factor of who I am.  My job will never be one that I don't carry home with me every night.

Right now I am in the process of obtaining my license to practice, which, after all the hoops I've had to jump through to get my degree because of my pregnancy (they were seriously going to make me wait an entire year to graduate because I missed a one-day seminar when I was in the hospital getting cardiac medication in the attempt to slow George's heart rate down...one day I will write a post about that nightmare), is surprisingly straightforward.  It does, however, take a few weeks to go through so my hope is that by the time we get back from Honduras I will have my license in my hot little hand and I can start the journey toward finding a job that suits me.  That is a process that I am not looking forward to, simply because I've learned that it will take some hard work and a lot of patience to find a job that is the perfect fit (if there even is such a thing).  And I simply will not compromise on that, considering how much time I will be spending at work the first year of my practice.

No matter how much I dislike the lazy, self-pitying person I am when I am not working I know that in the not too distant future I will look at this time with, not fondness that is for sure, but something akin to wistfulness.

By far and away the best part of having so much free time are my lunch dates, like the one I had today, with the apple of my eye.