you win some, you lose some

Sometimes Clio does something that reminds me so strongly of Leif that my heart completely melts into a puddle of love at the bottom of my toes.

Other times she does something that reminds me so much of myself that I have to shake my head and say,

"Poor kid.  She absolutely has my crazy."

the laughing heart

Yesterday Leif shared with me a poem by Charles Bukowski.  Seldom does it happen that I come across a piece of writing that strikes me so deeply to the core that I feel like I must memorize it so as to never forget its message.


The Laughing Heart 


your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.


Over the last two weeks I have felt much of that darkness again, not that it ever entirely left.  Having Clio here has been magical but it has also crystalized for me what exactly was taken away from us when George died and that has been difficult for me to internalize again.  I just miss him so very much and can't really fathom how I will never have him again.


Yet this poem has helped to remind me that I can choose to live out my days in the darkness of circumstance or I can choose to look for the light, wherever it may come from.  The darkness will always be my companion but I choose whether or not to let it consume me.  As Clio grows up I want to share with her the existence of her brother so that from his story and ours she will learn that even in the darkest moments of her life -and surely there will be moments that seem black as night- there will always be at least a small shimmer of light, even when it feels like all of the light in the world has been stolen away.  


And surely there is so much light.
My Leif. 
My Clio.  

My life is my life and I will know it while I have it.

for my husband

I love you.  You are my home.  That's all.  I just wanted to say that.

year four of the best years of my life

Apparently if you subscribe to the modern lifestyle in the U.S. for the fourth wedding anniversary you are supposed to exchange gifts of electronics.  In our relationship, if we followed this suggested gift category, the gift-giving would work out in Leif's favor seeing as he is the one in our duo who has the affinity for things of this nature.  But alas, poor Leif, we are apparently not modern Americans and so he missed out on his chance for new electronics this anniversary.

We hardly ever exchange gifts, it just isn't our thing.  Instead we do vacations.  This year was no different and we headed out of town to celebrate the anniversary of the day we got married by staying in a hotel room and eating ungodly amounts of food.  It is the Leif + Brianna way.

Personally, I am looking forward to our ninth wedding anniversary.  By that time I am going to convert to the modern American lifestyle so I can finally get those leather chaps I've been eyeing.

.belated.

When it comes to anniversaries or birthdays Leif and I usually don't buy gifts for each other.  It is not that we don't celebrate the occasion, we just generally prefer to celebrate by gorging ourselves on food from somewhere that we are otherwise too frugal to afford. 

This year for our third anniversary things were different.  Neither of us felt much life celebrating.  Yes, we have a very happy, very strong relationship.  We love each other wildly and we are best friends.  We have so much to be grateful for.  But we also have a dead son and we miss him everyday.  As you can imagine losing a child tends to suck the happy out of many occasions. 

Without even discussing it really, we each made the extra effort to do something special for our anniversary this year.  We went to Palm Springs for the weekend and spent the majority of our time eating and laying out by the pool.  We also gave each other gifts.  Leif gave me a beautiful handmade diorama of a balsa wood bird and a hollow red metal heart.  I carry with me in my purse.

My gift to him was a family portrait, of sorts.  It took awhile to find the right artist to make it because most portrait artists out there are either prohibitively expensive or not our style.  By the time I finally found the right artist there was not enough time for her to complete it before our actual anniversary.  So he has had to wait all this time for his gift, not knowing what it was.

It was completed yesterday, and although I haven't seen the printed version, I have the digital copy.  I'm pleased with the way it turned out.  More importantly, Leif loves it.

So here it is. 

Leif + Brianna + George

The artist is Nan Lawson.  She was very easy to work with and I highly recommend her.

You can find her work here, here, and here.

.i love not camping.

My husband likes to camp.  He grew up in the Pacific Northwest and as a consequence he enjoys spending the night in a sleeping bag in the middle of the forest.  That and he wears plaid and flannel, like a lot.   Seriously, check out how much of this he actually has...

That isn't even including the one he is wearing today or the ones in the dirty laundry.  I encourage his love of plaid and flannel because I think he looks good in it, so there you go.  I am an enabler.

Unlike my husband, I do not like to camp.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I hate camping but I generally find the idea of using the backside of a tree as a bathroom facility unpleasant, which is pretty much the situation one finds oneself in when backpacking and camping.

The last time I went camping was back in the fall of 2006 when we were visiting Leif's brother and some friends who live in Portland.  I have to admit that was a fun trip. It was an anomaly of camping.  However, it would have been more fun had we encountered Sasquatch because I am told he lives around those parts. 

Despite my disdain for camping there are times when I get the urge to get out of the city and for longer than just our normal day hikes.  I've been having this urge for the last couple of weeks.  I am tired of hearing stupid helicopters all the time and the people working on the house renovations two doors down.  I am sick of the traffic and of the smog.

I want out.

But backpacking in Southern California is so much less appealing to me than doing so in Oregon.  But I am open to suggestions and if we actually make it out camping, I know my husband would be forever grateful.

.05.06.07.

I loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you.  No, I loved you long before that.  I loved you from the moment of my creation.  My heart has always belonged to you, long before I knew your name.

Thank you for loving me back.  Thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for making my life amazing.

Happy 3rd anniversary.