.back on the chain gang.

This has been a hard week. 

It has only been three weeks since my c-section but I had to go back to school and back to clinic.  In some ways it has been really good for me to get back into a normal routine but in other ways it has been completely overwhelming.  I find myself utterly exhausted, both physically and emotionally, when I get home.  So much so that I don't feel much like cooking or eating and all I want to do is sit on the couch and zone out for the couple of hours before we go to bed.

On the bright side treating patients takes my mind off of my own issues by focusing on other people's issues.  I always enjoy talking with patients and making them feel comforted and taken care of. 

Yet I still don't know if I am going to get to graduate this year or if I am going to have to wait until next year, all because of the time I had to take off while I was in the hospital and after the c-section.  It is so hard living in limbo.  All I want to do is focus on grieving and healing after losing George and a big part of my emotional reserve is wrapped up in this whole graduation fiasco.

I just want to run away and go on vacation.  Somewhere warm and on the beach where there are no phones and no email and where Leif and I can be completely alone with each other. 

.deflated.

Yesterday was a really bad day.  I still don't know if I will be able to graduate this year or if I will have to wait an entire year to repeat course work that I missed while attempting to fix George's heart.  They say they won't know for another week or so, which will bring the amount of time spent in limbo up to five weeks. 

When I woke up this morning the first thought that came to my mind was about what would happen to us over the next year if I can't graduate.  If I can't graduate I can't take my national board exam and can't work in my chosen profession.  I'll have an entire year of forgetting what I learned over the last two and a half years.  My school loans will continue to accumulate interest and we will have to start paying them back since I won't be enrolled in school.  I will have to find some kind of job...which will most likely have nothing to do with what I have been educated in.  We will be stuck here.


This whole process has made me feel like I am being punished for the way my pregnancy turned out.