I'm having a difficult time here, friends. I do not want another c-section, I really don't. It is not as if I have anything against them I just really wanted this shot at having a conventional labor and delivery. I have this vision in my mind of her being born and getting her plopped on my chest all pink and screaming, Leif by my side as amazed as I am. You know, the exact opposite of our experience with George. The closer we get to August 16th the less likely it seems like that is going to happen for us. Aside from some erratic contractions each morning that seem to fade away after an hour or so, I don't feel as if we've made any progress. She is still sitting super high, just under my ribs, and I am wondering if she will ever drop. Until she does it seems unlikely that I can dilate that much without the pressure of her head to move the process along. No dilation means no induction.
Of course, then there is the added pressure of knowing that if I have another c-section it pretty much locks me into one for the next pregnancy, should there be one. That really sucks too.
The thing is that it isn't as if I have to get a c-section at this point. It would not be an issue for me at all if I had to have one but right now I don't. I don't have a breech baby. She isn't in any apparent distress. I'm a good candidate for a successful VBAC and my doctor feels comfortable waiting to see how things go on their own as long as I start getting non-stress tests twice a week. But I am terrified of waiting. So, so scared that something bad will happen. Being part of a community of people who have had their babies die you begin to see all the ways in which tragedy occurs.
I keep thinking, what if I decide to wait for things to go on their own and there is a cord accident? What then? Or what if something happens during delivery? These things happen, sadly. Most of us know this from personal experience.
So I guess I'm looking for your opinions. If you have lost a baby late in pregnancy and were term with a subsequent pregnancy, how long would you wait after forty weeks before inducing (if that was possible) or doing a c-section? A week? Two weeks? Would you even wait until forty weeks or try to get the baby out earlier?
We just want her to get here alive and healthy and maybe I am tempting fate by putting too much emphasis on the method in which that happens. I wish I had some sort of guarantee about how this is all going to turn out...
I'm a crazy person. I'd just want her out as soon as it's safe to do so. I'm an anxious person though, so...
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I had a c-section, and he was checked out by pediatrics and on my husband for skin-to-skin within about 30-45 seconds. He was on my chest by 5 minutes after birth... Could have been earlier, I suspect, if I'd pushed for that.
Take what I say with a grain of salt though, I'm not yet at the subsequent pregnancy part just yet. :)
UGH What a tough spot...hard decisions. Are the doctors not willing to induce for vaginal delivery so as not to risk uterine hemorhage? I think the wait is always hard...even if you haven't had a baby die. My baby died at 38 weeks and so I know if I was pregnant I would be scared THE ENTIRE pregnancy. If your baby is full term like mine was, you know they are capable of living outside of you. Once a baby has died inside of you, you no longer feel like it is the safest place in the world for a baby and the desire to get them out as soon as possible and ensuring their safety is the top priority. That being said, the risk during a c-section is to the mother and injury, infection and death do occur. Do you risk that when a c-section is not REQUIRED? My biggest fear used to be having to have a c-section...little did I know, my biggest fear should be death of the baby... The thing about this decision is that you have to go with how you feel. No one would judge you for any decision you make after everything you have already been through. If the option to induce for vaginal delivery is an option I would pick that. If it is not I probably would go to 40 weeks. Anyway that is just me and who am I to say...because I am not there yet...and being there is a whole lot different than imagining being there. Good luck with that decision.
ReplyDeleteI would have a very hard time waiting. When I was expecting a singleton, I was planning to induce early, simply for mental health. An easier decision for me, I realize, because I've never had a C, and my doctor was comfortable inducing for a vaginal birth. Now that I'm having twins, the game has changed and I won't go past 38 weeks but I'm way more likely to go early naturally (maybe even at or around 36 weeks, which is when I lost my daughter to a cord accident). Vaginal/C depends primarily on the positioning of the babies, and I'll be fully prepped for a C regardless. So it's hypothetical to consider your situation, but I believe if I was in your shoes I'd go for an early C section. Or at term, or whenever. I haven't reached the end yet (21 weeks now) but I imagine the wait at the end to be the most brutal part, and once the baby is determined to be healthy and ready, I think I'd want her out.
ReplyDeleteAll that said, I just hope you go into labor very very soon. I can't wait to read about the safe arrival of your daughter.
- M
Wow, there is a lot similar about our situations right now. The only difference being, I delivered Hope vaginally so I'm a slightly better candidate for having the VBAC thing work out because my body has done it once before. I lost her at 40 weeks 5 days and I said all along with my next pregnancy that I would not go a day past 40 weeks. Early on, I thought I could hold out until then but I got to 38 weeks and absolutely fell to pieces. I was begging for an induction as like you, the last thing I wanted was a c-section but he was a big baby who was not at all in position so they did not want to force an induction when clearly he or I were not ready. I took the c-section the very next morning and of course he's absolutely fine, perfect and I wouldn't really change a thing. But some regret lingers.....
ReplyDeleteBecause I never really had the foresight at that moment to think ahead to a third pregnancy. And here I am, almost 38 weeks. And I don't want another c-section. I want to try my hand at pushing a baby out again, but one that lives and who is all pink and squirmy on my chest, looking for their first feed. I know it is not the be all and end all, but I think it would really be good for me. I'm only prepared to wait until my due date again this time. I feel I am stronger this time to get past the hurdle of 38 weeks with my last pregnancy, not to mention, Hope's birthday is next week, so if I could manage, I'd like to avoid giving birth on or around that day.
I guess we both just have to somehow stick this out and do whatever we can to encourage these babies to head south and find the old fashioned exits!
Sending you strength as you wait.
xo
I'm 35 weeks and pondering this myself. I had Charlotte vaginally, which means I don't have to struggle with the VBAC decision, but my doctor has stated his preference to induce at 40 weeks and I would rather let the baby come when he wishes. But like you I don't want to push things too far, wait too long.
ReplyDeleteHave you tried acupuncture to encourage labor? My naturopath just suggested that to me as an option if we hit 39.5 weeks with nothing happening (Charlotte came at 38, but not sure if that was her time to come or a distress response).
I honestly believe babies will come when they are ready and to induce prior to that is not a good idea unless medically indicated. However, the issue becomes murky in the loss world because of the emotions and fears we carry. If you need to have the baby sooner because of stress or fear that may be best for both mama and infant because they are exposed to our stress hormones.
I don't know, this is a tough issue for me, one I've really been struggling with lately. I think in the end you have to do what you're most comfortable with, but I know it's hard to ascertain what that is.
Thinking of you and your babe. I hope she nestles in and prepares for labor soon so the decision is made for you. Sending love and calm wishes as you prepare to meet your baby.
I am not in your shoes but I have had 4 c-sections (my first was an emergency for HELLP syndrome at 36 weeks). I am taking a vow of honesty on the blogs these days even if it doesn't win me any friends in the saying what people want to hear dept.
ReplyDeleteWith that- I know another BLM (can send you her blog) where she struggled to decide on VBAC after a c-section. The long and short of it is that the Dr's could not get him to come down the canal and had to use suction which caused severe complications- he was removed from support a few days after his birth. She ended up in the operating room due to a massive uterine rupture that was actually at the edge of her scar and extended all the way to the back. She lost her uterus and one of her ovaries.
I am not trying to frighten you Brianna, but I am agreeing with what you already know- that these things happen and that no one is safe from another loss. I think that the only people who can make decisions about your situation are you and your doctors. Go with your instinct, and above all make a decision that will leave you without regret. Listen to your doctors and let them help guide you- but at the same time always fight for what you believe in, even if you disagree with the direction they are taking you in.
Personally having had 4 sections I don't feel as though they were bad at all. I have been very fortunate not to have any complications from my surgeries- which is the only reason whey we are trying for a 5th. I guess that I am one of the most anxious people you may meet.. I couldn't deal with the risks that would have been posed by VABC but that is me. All of my live births were full of beauty and my babies were with me almost immediately after birth ready to nurse. Even Cullen's birth, though shadowed by his death, gave me a great deal of beauty in my life.
I wish you love and strength as to come to the decision that is right for your mamma... hoping my honesty doesn't upset you either. xo
I have had 4 c-sections - 5 children - 4 sections. First one was an emergency, and then we went on to learn that I don't dilate (no one in my family dilates - hasn't been a vaginal delivery in generations). After my first section, it did not matter to me a lick how those little ones got out -- just so long as they did indeed get out and get out healthy. I was able to nurse all my babies right away and I don't feel as if I missed anything -- of course, one could argue that I can't miss what I don't know - true. You have to do what makes you feel best and what your instinct tells you is best for your baby. The c-section thing has never bothered me. Wishing you peace (and dilation) -- Mariann
ReplyDeleteSo here's the thing for me: I've never had a c-section, so I don't feel like I can adequately comment there. But I have walked somewhat in your shoes, and I could NOT WAIT ONE MINUTE past the amnio at 37 weeks. Yep. That was me. And some days I regret getting him out so early, but mostly I was a total wreck, and needed it more than anything in the world.
ReplyDeletei guess what I'm trying to say is any decision you make is the right one, and you have to, after everything, decide what your anxiety level is, and how far you want to push that. Does that make sense?
You're going to do and be great. I hate that these decisions are so hard.
xo
I was very anxious through the middle of my pregnancy, then calmed down, then started to get *really* anxious again towards the very end. Ended up going into labour naturally at 40+3 and having a natural delivery, which was very healing after the experience of losing my first baby, which experience was very disturbing for me for various reasons.
ReplyDeleteI was due to have a sweep at 40+4, but every day from 39+6 I had to negotiate with myself not to phone and ask for it to be moved forward to that day. I never really decided not to do it that day, but I kept putting it off and thinking 'I'll phone a bit later' and then getting to the end of the day and thinking 'oh well, I'll call tomorrow morning'. And then he took matters into his own hands.
There is no way I would have got past the day the sweep was due without making them do *something*, though. And if he hadn't turned up by 41 weeks, one way or another? I would have demanded a c-section, because my sanity would have been entirely used up.
I hope she's making her move right now though, and that you get a nice smooth natural delivery ending with a nice pink screaming baby. I have everything crossed for you. xx
Hello Brianna,
ReplyDeleteI follow closely but haven't commented for a while. I have no advice to offer because I'm ten weeks behind you but want to send you all the positive energy and love for whatever might happen tmrw or over the next few days.
ak
hi brianna,
ReplyDeleteI'm late to the game and for all I know, your baby has already made her decision...
I also don't feel totally qualified to comment because I *have* to "choose" a c-section this time, not because I had one last time, but because Otis's death was a direct result of going late (I went into labor at 40+4, he was born at 41, my placenta semi-failed him during labor causing some of his brain damage) and then complications in the vaginal delivery (shoulder dystocia) which carry a decent recurrence rate, and this baby is measuring big like his brother, so unless I went into labor at like 36 weeks, I would not risk a vaginal delivery.
I am extraordinarily wary of going past a due date, especially if you are certain on dates, but that's because of my particular circumstances. So I'm probably the wrong person to weigh in, because I just can't be objective. I used to be staunchly in the "babies come when they're ready" mindset, but, sadly, I have to live the worst consequences of that mindset in losing Otis.
I hope I haven't scared you. Like Leslie wrote, though, I do want to be honest, and I guess it's part of Otis's legacy that I am now "that mother" who shares her horror story of going late with a big baby.
Sending love and clarity your way, that you feel at peace with whatever decision you (or the baby) make.
love,
sarah
Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate all the thought that went into them. It is such a difficult decision for anyone to make. I know we all only want our children to be born healthy, no matter which way that entails.
ReplyDelete