The same breath that the doctor used to tell me our baby had no heartbeat was the same one she used to tell me that the miscarriage was not my fault. The words flew out of her mouth nearly faster than was humanly possible. It wasn't anything you did wrong, she said.
It is not your fault.
It is not your fault.
It is not your fault.
Years ago when I was in the hospital a perinatologist sat on the edge of my bed rolling an ultrasound probe around my heavily pregnant belly. She was studying the rapid flutter of our son's heart on the screen before her. This wasn't something you caused, she told me.
It is not your fault.
It is not your fault.
It is not your fault.
I know that...mostly. I believe what they have told me...mostly. But in the pit of my stomach sits a heavy black stone and it pulses periodically with ugly guilt. If I can't blame myself then on whom can I place the blame? There is no one else and so I wonder if maybe, yes, it is my fault.
I wonder the exact same thing, day after day after day. But it wasn't our fault, it couldn't have been. Because we loved them to much or we wouldn't still be asking ourselves if it was our fault. Love like that is just too damn complicated to make sense yet it makes perfect sense all at the same time. It is not your fault.
ReplyDeleteI have been struggling with the guilt surrounding Liam's death more lately. It hits hard sometimes. I go through it all in my head and i'm still wondering what happened and how it wasn't my fault. How come I couldn't save Liam too? It's so hard because our babies were so wanted and loved. In my heart I know it wasn't my fault, or yours my friend.
ReplyDeleteThey told me that, too. Emphatically. I appreciated it, and still do. But I also still wonder.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending love.
It is not your fault. Said over and over it starts to sound like one of those pat cliches, but it's true. I have to believe it's true, otherwise I might go (more) insane. It doesn't make it any easier to bear, though.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love.
xo