.my favorite mothers.

  Mom,

You have always been there for me when I've needed you.  You laugh with me when I laugh and cry with me when I cry.  I know you are proud of the way I have turned out and I have you and dad to thank for that.  Thank you for always supporting me in everything I do.

Lisa,

I watch you with your girls and I am amazed.  You have raised a wonderful little person named Maya.  She is inquisitive, well-behaved, and happy.  It is so obvious that Leela loves you so much.  I know that she will grow up to be just as wonderful as Maya but in her own great ways.  I hope that I will be as good as a mother as you are.

 Tricia,

How can someone get so lucky as to have you for a mother-in-law.  You are kind and patient and generous.  You have always made me feel welcome and a part of your family.  Although you are so far away you have been with us through our hard times.  I have you and Eric to thank for raising such a wonderful son.

 Grandma,

You have been gone for over three years now.  In my life you are the strongest, bravest, and most incredible woman that I will ever know. 

Jackie,

You are an enigma.  I have no idea how you raise two active one-year old babies and have all the energy you do.  You are super-mom and super-friend.

.here.

The last few weeks have been full of important dates; Leif's 35th birthday, our anniversary and my graduation.  But what we've noticed is that it has been difficult to really celebrate these occasions because every happy event is tinged with a sense of loss that is very deep.  That loss only seems to grow and expand as June 16th gets nearer.

But still...we try.  We try to celebrate these events because otherwise life just sucks too damn much.  Eventually we will get to a place where our life is amazingly happy again punctuated by moments of sadness rather than the reverse, which is what it feels like to me right now.

Truth be told, that is how I want things for now.  I want to honor George's brief life and the only way I know how to do that is to feel incredibly sad.  I am ok with keeping him close in that way.  Maybe one day I will find another way to keep him near to me without feeling the way I do.  But for now I am good with this way.

.05.06.07.

I loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you.  No, I loved you long before that.  I loved you from the moment of my creation.  My heart has always belonged to you, long before I knew your name.

Thank you for loving me back.  Thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for making my life amazing.

Happy 3rd anniversary.

.want.

...need.

found here

.the grey room.

i want to stay here.  i feel close to him here.  in this gray room.  it is already beginning to smell musty and there is dust on the floor.  people are forgetting that this room exists.  we get visitors less and less frequently and i get lonely here. 

he still lives here.  i can hold him and kiss him here. 

i wonder if one day i will wake up and not remember how to get here anymore.

.thirty five.

For those of you who may not know, 35 years ago today was the most important date in all of history.  It was the day that my husband, Leif, was born.  He just happens to be the best person on the planet.  If you haven't yet met him then you will just have to take my word for it.  But if you have already met him then you know I am not exaggerating when I say that he is the kindest, smartest, handsomest, funniest, gentlest, talentedest, plaid-wearingest, linux-lovingest, and generousest man who walks the earth.

Happy Birthday, my love.

.ohana means family.

This post is a little late.  But it is perfect because anyone who knows Jackie knows "a little late" is right up her alley.

Jackie, my beautiful and kind and funny and wonderful sister-like friend, came to visit me a couple of weekends ago.  She and her husband, along with their adorable one-year old twins, live in Oahu.  I've known Jackie since I was fourteen.  We met the summer before our freshman year of high school during volleyball camp.  She lived just up the street from me so after we met we, of course, we ended up spending a lot of time together over the next four years.  After high school she moved around quite a bit but we always stayed close.  I've been very fortunate in that I have kept a close relationship with quite a few of my childhood friends.

One of my favorite memories from high school was Jackie recounting a reoccurring dream she had about a rubber chicken in a lab coat attacking her with a scalpel.  I am not even entirely sure if that memory is real or not, but I like to think that it is because the thought of a rubber chicken wearing a lab coat makes me laugh.  Even if the scalpel part is creepy.

(Jackie if it isn't real don't ruin it for me)

While she was here we went to Ikea so she could stock up on some things since there isn't one on Oahu (sadness, I know).  I have to say that she makes shopping at Ikea so much more fun than it usually is (and that is saying something since I always enjoy trips to that ridiculous place). We also went to a fabric store downtown where we bought some nice gray chenille to cover the cushions of the new chair we bought at the flea market.  That night we stayed up watching Elvis movies on Netflix as Jackie cut out a pattern to sew the cushion covers.  That's right, she is also a great seamstress.

I can't put into words how much her visit meant to me.  Spending time with her was like having a weight lifted off of my shoulders for two days.  It is hard to explain but seeing Jackie literally felt like she was carrying some of this load for me.  I know that even though she never met George she loved him and feels his loss with us. 

Leif and I love Jackie and her family so much.  We wish we were able to spend more time with them.  For now we have to be satisfied with occasional visits and checking their blog for updates on their little munchkins.

Thank you Jackie.  You are an amazing friend.  I love you.