Some days I feel like an ordinary mother. I go about my day as any other parent of an infant does; kiss her, change her, kiss her, feed her, kiss her, burp her, kiss her, dress her, kiss her, play with her, kiss her, put her down for a nap...you get my point.
Other days I'm reminded that I am not totally just an ordinary mother. I'm also the parent of a dead baby. I'm someone who knows too much about the subject of death and grief and infant loss. I'm someone who knows what it is like to be completely incomplete. I'm someone who misses her child with a wild intensity that few other people can ever truly understand.
Yesterday was one of those days...
The newborn sister of one of the toddlers at Clio's daycare died over the weekend. It wasn't unexpected as she was born with a genetic issue that is considered "not compatible with life." In fact, the parents had fully expected her to be stillborn but they made the choice to carry her to term anyway, a decision I can relate to since Leif and I basically made the same one after we had exhausted most of the medical interventions available to us. But the baby surprised them all by being born alive and then staying alive for three weeks or so. From what I understand -I have never met these parents so all of this is secondhand information- they were able to take her home from the hospital and spend those weeks together as a family.
Leif let me know as soon as I got home from work yesterday and I was immediately back in those early days after George died. The despair, the chaos, the helplessness...I could easily imagine everything that these people are probably feeling. And I thought to myself when I heard the news, now they are some of our people- the parents of a dead baby. New members of one of the saddest clubs in existence.
I am trying to decide if, when and how I should reach out to this couple. I don't want to overstep my bounds as I have never met them. Hell, I don't even know their names. Do I give them a list of resources; online forums, grief support groups, my phone number? Do I send them a card via the sitter?
"So very sorry for the loss of your baby. Welcome to the club."
Ugh, I hate when we collect new members.
ReplyDeleteI had someone from high school reach out to me to tell me she lost her son at 6 months gestation. I wasn't particularly close to her but when she reached out, I reached right back and told her of FOL and Still Life With Circles. I told her about my blog and the blogs of other blms who had experienced something similar to her loss... I know she reads them, even though she doesn't comment...
I think there's solace to be found in knowing you're not alone, and coming from someone else "in the club", it might be a welcome step forward.
I second lj's opinion... i would have been so grateful for a note with beneficial resources and the person's contact info for when i was ready to talk or reach out.
ReplyDeleteI say send a card, let her know you are there if she needs someone to talk to. Finding others online has been a great resource for me, a chance to connect. Finding someone in real life would be an even greater comfort. I think it is wonderful that you are willing to extend a bit of comfort to someone.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this came up tonight, and then somehow, as what seems to happen with at least half of our conversations, it got bumped for another subject. Damn. Sorry about that. I vote send her a card, letting her know you're there. I remember being in so much shock - even if I tossed the card on the table for a few weeks, I think I would have picked it up again when the shock began wearing off.
ReplyDeleteSo sad. What a shitty club.
Oh, sad to hear. And it does just take you right back to the awful unfixableness of realising that nothing will bring your beloved baby back. I'd second all the thoughts above - there's no harm in sending a card acknowledging their loss and letting them know you're also babylost and happy to help with resources etc when they're ready. I know it made a huge difference to me when a few people did that in our early months.
ReplyDeleteHearing from people who actually experienced the same pain (well, not exact, but still DB) was one of the most beneficial things for me when we lost Andrew. I needed to know I wasn't the only one and that other people-- NORMAL people-- also lost their babies. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere, even if that place was in the most tragic club in existence. I found those people as they approached me in voice, cards, online, and face to face. Each one of them is permanently ingrained in my memory as someone who GETS me. I am so appreciative they said something. It usually started with, "I know your pain. I also lost a child."
ReplyDeleteIt's sad, but they need to know they are normal and others carry on living with this grief. I vote on the card as well with some resources. 3ish. I wouldn't get crazy because that's overwhelming. But she needs to hear from a voice in the club.
Thank you all for your responses. I think the overwhelming consensus here is, yes, reach out and send a card, which is what I am going to do. I know if I think back to when we first lost George I would have greatly appreciated an acknowledgement from someone who was familiar with what I was going through.
ReplyDeleteYep, send a card. She might not feel like she wants that support yet, but I can almost guarantee that at some point, she will. In her own time.
ReplyDeleteJust so sad. I want to shut off all new memberships.
xo
I'm late to the party, but I agree with what everyone's added. I actually did get a couple cards from people who'd lost babies too, most of whom I'd had no idea. It really made me feel less alone. I am so sorry to hear about this family's loss.
ReplyDeletexo
I am so sorry for this family. Sending my thoughts and hoping you will be a source of light to them in these darkest of days.
ReplyDeleteI would never have found glow in the woods (and hence this community) if it wasn't for some random person at tomatonation.com replying to a comment I made about losing my baby with a rec for it. I am forever grateful to that person. They said that they hadn't lost a baby themselves but that it was well thought of by those who had.
ReplyDeleteI would find out their names and send a card and some contact details - they may not want to get in touch... but maybe they will.
xxx
Yes, reach out. Wait a couple of weeks (after everyone else forgets to say "So sorry for your loss" anymore). I'd suggest doing it in a more active way than a card that says "call if you need anything." When people say this to me, I never think to actually do it.
ReplyDeleteSo many people want to be there for me but are afraid of overstepping bounds, so they leave the ball in my court. What they don't know is that I have NO initiative or efficacy in doing much at all, including lifting my arm to dial the phone. It takes everything I've got just to get out of bed and face the day. Spearheading contact beyond that is too much. Those who are active about reaching out to me are the ones that get through and really help.
I say overstep bounds to stave off perceptions of isolation.
Yes, reach out. Wait a couple of weeks (after everyone else forgets to say "So sorry for your loss" anymore). I'd suggest doing it in a more active way than a card that says "call if you need anything." When people say this to me, I never think to actually do it.
ReplyDeleteSo many people want to be there for me but are afraid of overstepping bounds, so they leave the ball in my court. What they don't know is that I have NO initiative or efficacy in doing much of anything, including lifting my arm to dial the phone. It takes everything I've got just to get out of bed and face the day. Spearheading contact as well is too much. Those who are active about reaching out to me are the ones that get through and really help.
I say overstep and really stave off the isolation that comes with this territory. Offer them the myriad resources you've accumulated over time. However difficult it is to reach out to strangers, it would be more difficult for them to have to be the ones to call you and ask for what they need.