I woke up the morning of March 31, 2010 as one person only to awake the next morning as another person entirely.
I'm reminded of the guy who wakes up from an extended coma only to find that he doesn't remember himself or any of his friends and family. The things he used to hate he wakes up to love. Couldn't stand peanut butter but now eats it out of the jar. The things he used to love doing he doesn't have any interest in anymore. But even he's got it better for it is far worse to remember who you were before but be incapable of being who you were before.
I miss the woman I used to be. I still remember her. She did not carry around with her the ghost of her son. She used to be quick to smile and even quicker to laugh. She used to see the world as a mostly positive place. She used to relate well to people and make deep, lasting relationships with ease. She was also naive and blissfully unaware at just how sad real sad can actually be.
I'm not sure who or what I am at this point but I know I am not any of those things anymore.
I'm not just mourning the death of my son but also the death of myself.
I wish I could have saved her in some sort of time machine.
I love the song you've quoted here, even more so since my own G died.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have done something too. Something for her, something for myself, something for any of us or for any of our children.
I think that over two years later I'm still finding out just how much I've changed. Not all the changes are bad but . . . I'm very different. x
Yes, so different in so many ways. I agree with Catherine - not all bad, but still very different. Thinking of you, as always. xx
ReplyDeletei thought for a long time i could be the same person i was before. i'm only now realising, well over a year later, that she will never come back. some of her has come back... but i'll never be her again. it's still a hard thing to accept.
ReplyDeletei used to forgive a lot easier than i do now, too. and i feel i should regret that, but i don't. some people don't deserve to be forgiven.
This was the biggest thing to realize after Cullen died- how a part of me had died with him.
ReplyDeleteWe are all irrevocably changed... and I guess I am just trying to understand how to come to terms with that myself.
Love and light...
Beautifully put Brianna. This rings very true for me too. There is a grief for the old 'me', but as Catherine says, I'm slowly realising that not all the changes are bad - that at the same time it is curious witnessing the birth of a new 'me'. Sadly there is no time machine - the old you was precious, but so is the new you, even if the change is hard to take when it is so sudden. Just the fact of touching that oblivion with your son means you know more about it than most people. Which is hard, but also valuable. xxh
ReplyDeleteThis really resonated with me. I look at pictures from before our George died and I'm struck by how much I've changed. Wishing well as you return to work. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDelete