Also last month we got a refund check from the hospital. Apparently we were overcharged 150.00 for George's delivery. Hmmph.
Sometimes I forget that George ever even existed to anyone but to me and to Leif. People generally tend not to bring him up anymore in conversation unless we do so first. As we come closer to the one year anniversary of his birth and death, it is increasingly strange to get these kind of reminders that he was indeed real in this world.
Next week brings us to the year mark when last year everything went to shit. We walked into an appointment at the perinatologist as blissful expectant parents and walked out a few hours later nearly catatonic with shock.
I'm not sure how these next six weeks are going to go for us. The other night we finished his memory square, sent it off to the hospital and I emailed the coordinator to see what we could do at the event to help. We are still trying to figure out what to do for him next month. We are taking the day off from work but beyond that we don't know what feels appropriate.
We never had a memorial service for him and I don't think we will this time either, even though I do eventually want one. I just don't even know where to start planning such a thing. Invitations? Is there food? We aren't religious so what would we do? It all seems overwhelming. Part of me feels guilty that we haven't had one but the other part of me feels like it just isn't us.
We never had a memorial service for him and I don't think we will this time either, even though I do eventually want one. I just don't even know where to start planning such a thing. Invitations? Is there food? We aren't religious so what would we do? It all seems overwhelming. Part of me feels guilty that we haven't had one but the other part of me feels like it just isn't us.
What kind of fucked up shit is it that these are the kind of events that some people have to plan for their (dead) child? It is some real fucked up shit is what it is.
For those of you who read this and know what being here is all about, how did you commemorate your child's life?
Oh mamma... the patch that you did is so incredibly beautiful.. I am so touched that your hospital does this.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question.. after Cullen died we held a very small private memorial in this beautiful little prayer room in our church (well for the kids and I as S is not Christian). It was nice but I really don;t remember much more than sitting there crying and holding his ashes.
Memorials come from your heart.. they don;t have to be based on anything at all other what your heart is calling you to. You could focus on music that reminds you of George, on art, on poetry.. whatever speaks to you. You could ask people to get involved by doing something symbolic together.. the possibilities are endless.
Go with your gut and let your son's memory guide you...
love and light....
PS- Beautiful new layout!
ReplyDeletewe never had any kind of memorial. the hospital arranges a communal ceremony followed by cremation of the remain of the babies lost which are scattered together - the parents can't get them back (of course we could have arranged a funeral at our own expense but didn't want to do that, at least at the time).
ReplyDeletei'm glad we went to the ceremony although i think D hated it (i've never asked him but i think he probably found it a horrible experience but knew it was important for him to be there for me). in some ways i wish we could have had something for close family to go to but in other ways i don't.
it's wrong that anyone even ever has to think about it.
the square is beautiful, and i love the new layout.
We didn't have a memorial, either, and I have such mixed feelings about it too. This spring we're planning to attend a dedication ceremony at a park for the brick we had engraved for her and there's a candlelight service every year on her birthday in December. I keep thinking that I'd like to do something else, something more individual, but I'm not sure. I think that one day it will just hit me, what I'm supposed to do in her honor. And maybe it will involve a gathering of family and friends and maybe it will be our special thing without anyone else. But I'm telling myself not to rush it. It will never be too late.
ReplyDeleteThe square is beautiful and it's a lovely idea.
ReplyDeleteWe didn't want a service for George, we're not religious, it didn't seem appropriate and I hated the thought of him being in a cemetary. We buried him ourselves in a little wood and planted spring bulbs around him (he was to be a spring baby) and Ray's Mum sprinkled her old dogs ashes around, "someone to play with".
The first year was sad sad sad but on the second anniversary of his loss we went out on an adventure and we've decided to do that every year from now on. George's day will be filled with good memories in years to come.
You will find the right thing to do for you, Leif and George. Cullen's Mama is right, memorials come from the heart.
xxx
Yes, echoing the sentiments above - you will know when it's right and you will know what to do, for you, for Leif, and for George.
ReplyDeleteWe had a memorial almost immediately after Otis died - within a week, but that is because family had already flown into town and it really felt like we needed to assemble "our people" together to have a time to grieve together. Our service was very organic, we read a few poems, we had a few friends speak. It was held at a friend's church but was not religious in any way. It felt very helpful to see our community gathered in a visible demonstration of love and support for us; but other than that, to be honest, I don't remember much other than that it was raining, and that my milk had come in that morning and every time someone hugged me my breasts yelped in pain and leaked milk all over my black dress.
Thinking of you and sending love, as always.
Oh, and I forgot to mention - the quilt square is absolutely precious.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your responses. I know this is such a personal decision and there is no right answer. I just wish that this wasn't even something anyone had to think about. It is just part of life now but it sucks so much.
ReplyDeleteThe quilt scare is beautiful. You did such a lovely job on it.
ReplyDeleteWe had a funeral for Micah with most of our family and close friends in attendance. Our pastor read some scripture we liked and a letter we wrote to Micah and then said some things that he had prepared. It was lovely and exactly what we wanted and needed - being surrounded by so many people recognizing Micah and our grief was incredible.
But that doesn't sound like what you guys are wanting to do. I imagine you will come up with what is right for you and Leif and George. You are correct that there is no right answer, no perfect way of going about this, but wouldn't it be easier if there were?
Thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort as that big anniversary gets closer and closer. xx
The patch for George is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you so mightily the next weeks... the days prior is always brutal and then the day itself... it seems like a release. You & Leif will figure something out. Even if it is just you two spending the day holding hands and cradling George in your thought only, it is enough, beautiful and honoring. ((hugs))