A little bit of advice to those who are closer to their loss than I am at this point...
There will be long stretches of time when you feel pretty good. In fact there will be long stretches of time when you feel almost like your old self again. You will be happy again but it won't be the happy you were before. But also know that bad days will come and they will come with the force of a train. You will be surprised not only by the strength of how badly your heart still aches but also by what triggers these days.
Tomorrow is my birthday. This is my second birthday since he's been gone and I have a lifetime of them left, always without him.
I will never see him again or hold him again. I will never know the sound of his laughter. I will never have any more time with him than what I've already had. I miss him so much that it physically hurts.
I have much to be grateful for in my life. Family, friends, a daughter who is on her way to meet us, and most importantly, my amazing husband. I know I should be celebrating, but instead I spent yesterday evening and most of today sobbing and missing my boy. I am another year older and George is still dead...I can't find much to celebrate in that.
Feeling for you today Brianna. even a few months out, i can identify with what you're saying. we had a nice weekend, but i know the train could come at any moment. and by nice, i still cried with my friend for 30 minutes at a party last night and then sobbed in bed with Kari before falling asleep. anyway.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having to make it through a second birthday without him. I hate that time just continues to stretch on and on and on without our boys here with us. Because my birthday came a few short weeks after Micah died, I've made it through two of them without him too, and it sure does put a damper on the whole celebration thing. Thinking of you and George and wishing you a measure of peace today. xx
ReplyDeleteSending you love on your birthday. Like Jenn, our daughter died just one month before my birthday/her due date last year. The first year I was still numb and angry and shocked and living every day in sheer misery. This year was almost harder, because I was that much farther away from her.
ReplyDeleteWishing you some peace today, and maybe a huge slice of cake, too.
Sending love and hoping the day is as gentle as it can be. That bleak view of all the coming years without your baby - I hate it, and I'm so sorry that you have to stare it down.
ReplyDeleteYou will be happy again but it won't be the happy you were before. Yes. It isn't ever quite the same again I suspect.
ReplyDeleteNever. It is a terribly long time.
Thinking of you and remembering George.
My birthday is Thursday and I refuse to acknowledge it. My husband and I are going to see Harry Potter, but it's because that's the best distraction I can think of. No celebration here, either.
ReplyDeleteJosh- It sucks when a nice weekend is one that includes sobbing. But I know too well how relative "nice" becomes after you lose a baby.
ReplyDeleteJenn-Two birthdays...how do we get through so many more? Happy Belated Birthday, friend.
Mary Beth- I think you nailed it. It is harder this year because the numbness is gone. Now it is pure realization of what "gone" really is. Thank you for the kind wishes. No cake today but definitely ice cream is in store.
Erica- Thank you so much. Does the bleak view stay forever? I wish I knew the answer to that:( I wish someone, anyone knew the answer to that...
Catherine- Yes, never is so very long when you don't have the hope of reunion at some point in life or death. Thank you for remembering George with me.
Brooke- I knew you were a Leo. Too much sarcasm and wit to be anything else. Ignore, ignore, ignore. That is what I say. My therapist would probably disagree but what does she know (I kid). Wishing you an early Happy Birthday (or as Happy as it can be anyway).
Sending you love on your birthday. Mine was about two months after Cullen was born. I don't remember any of it. I think I sat in my room and cried most of the day.. that and I believe I got off a good post about the f-bomb.
ReplyDeleteBirthdays, holidays, almost every "happy" occasion. But those days can turn out to be surprisingly ok, too. I hope the day wasn't too difficult for you.
ReplyDeleteOh Brianna, I wish I could get your posts to appear in my feed. I really need to get better at reminding myself to check in (manually) on your blog, as your writing always hits home with me. Like others have said my birthday was just three weeks after Hope was born and died. It was a brutal time to get through, but it has got progressively easier. Can't believe I'm about to do it for a fourth time in a few weeks. I'm sure she would have loved helping me blow out the candles.
ReplyDeleteOff to catch up on more of your posts now.
Much love to you.
xo
Belated birthday wishes, Brianna, and thinking of you, Leif, George and your daughter. xo
ReplyDeleteYou really capture it in this blog. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMargot was due the day before I turned 30. I complained my whole pregnancy about how she better not come on my birthday, because then we will have to share it for the rest of our lives. God. Was I really ever that foolish? Well she came early, and she was dead, and the day before my birthday I wasn't birthing a child but rather pouring her ashes into a river.
I also meant to add that I'm so sorry your day was like this. Much love...
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