off to work i go

What is that word to describe how you feel when you have to do something you really don't want to do?  Oh yeah, shitty... or dreadful, as in, full of dread.  Yes, I am feeling shitty and pretty full of dread right about now because come Monday morning I am back at work.

I don't think I would feel quite the way I do if I was going back to a job that I actually loved but that is most certainly not the case.  It was a huge and very costly mistake going into the profession I did.  I thought even if I didn't love what I was doing I would have great job security and I would at least kind of like it.  But aside from talking with my patients there isn't a single aspect of medicine that I like.  None.  How sad is that?  It isn't as if I can do something different at this point either.  My student loans are just too much to chuck what I am doing and go do something that would make me happy.  I simply make too much money doing this to give it up at this point.  If my soul wasn't tethered to Sallie Mae I would gladly never write another prescription in my life.

I guess I just have to look on the bright side of all this.  My coworkers are really great, I'll only be working three days a week, and, most importantly, we found day care for Clio that we feel confident in.  That has always been my biggest concern when it comes to going back to work; who will be taking care of Clio.  Ideally she would be with her grandparents but neither set lives close enough to make that possible so we had to settle on finding a day care to place her in.  Luckily, we did find someone that really like and trust, which has helped somewhat with the anxiety of leaving her.

Still, the thought of leaving Clio with a stranger, even one we like, three days a week while I spend twelve hours a day working a job that I don't care for is excruciating.  My heart literally feels like a lead brick in my chest.  If it is possible to preemptively miss someone then I am preemptively missing her.  Even when she is fussing and I haven't had an adult conversation all day I still am so happy to just be near her.  I am so very in love with her and so, so grateful that she is alive and thriving.   I cannot get enough of her.

Everyday she is learning something new and it kills me to think that someone else is going to see new things she does before me.  She is MINE -at least until she is old enough to be her own- and I want to be the one to take care of her.  But it just isn't possible and...now I've made myself cry.   

Already she is smiling so much and she is getting really close to being able to laugh.  Just two days ago she started to purposefully grasp for things on her play gym.  One day her arms were flailing around and literally the next day she was trying to grab for things.  She isn't very good at it yet but it is exciting to watch her develop new skills.  I just can't believe how much information is processed in that little, big head of hers every day.  She's amazing to me.

Any words of advice on how to make the transition from being at home with her everyday to going back to work easier (both for her and for me) is greatly appreciated because right now I feel pretty shitty and pretty dreadful.