I give my patients ER precautions all the time, even when I am confident there is nothing to worry about. It's just to be cautious. It's just CYA. You know, cover your ass. But still...
I wonder if he can see the panic in my eyes. I seem calm. I have always been very good at projecting whatever exterior I want people to see but I wonder if he can see the fear underneath. If he does he probably chalks it up to first time mother anxiety. I want to tell him that I have reason to fear. I want to tell him that I had a son who should have been fine. That what happened to him was so rare that even in a county with nearly ten million people what happened only happens to a handful of people a year. I want to tell him that I'm scared because statistics are no friend of mine anymore.
I don't say those things.
She gets steroids to help with the inflammation. I soothe her with a pacifier and soft strokes to her head while I wait for the test to come back and tell me if she has RSV. She doesn't. That's very good.
She continues to cry and to cough and to gasp. I continue to swallow back my own tears. This is my fault. I brought this home to her from work. I've been sick and I have kissed her too many times. Selfish kisses.
No Christmas dinner and opening presents with family this year. CONTAGIOUS.
Now she's asleep on my chest, face buried into my shoulder. It is the only way she will sleep. I run my lips across her smooth cheeks when she stirs and it seems to calm her back into slumber. She smells like milk. Her skin tastes like all my hopes and all my love and all my fear mingled with the salty film left behind from her many tears.
So beautiful. Hope she feels better soon!
ReplyDeleteIt's no wonder you want to kiss her, those are some seriously kissable lips.
ReplyDeleteAll that said though, I am so sorry. When they first get sick is so frightening.
We can't just imagine how bad it could get, we already know. And that's not a nice place to reside in.
xo
Aw Brianna. Reuben had an overnight stay in hospital with croup. Or with The Croup I should say. It was very frightening and weird. The noise they make is just awful and then I had the joy of spending another night in hospital with a baby hooked up to a sats monitor. And there was I thinking those days were gone. Sigh. Even more weirdly one of the paediatricians attending was the lady who delivered the twins. Just a really odd and horrible experience.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard not to go into some horrible cycle of panic, no matter the statistics or the medical reassurances. Because once you've realised how meaningless they are, that knowledge is non-returnable. Hope the steroids did the trick for C, they were great with R. His little chest was folding in so badly that night, next morning they were trying to remember why we had been admitted!
She's gorgeous and it wasn't your fault. All babies get ill, even with all my semi-obsessive hand washing and anti bacterial gelling and washing and ironing every thing that touched her to within an inch of its life and forbidding anybody else to touch her. . . Jessica did still, occasionally, get sick. I defy anyone to resist kissing that beautiful little face. I love your description of how her skin tastes.
Wishing you both a smooth and peaceful recovery , from The Croup and from A Horrible Fright xo
OMG sweet baby girl. So sorry she so under the weather.. hoping she will get well very soon. And the second picture.. precious.
ReplyDeleteOH GOSH CROUP! That bugger is a scary one. What child hasn't gotten it? but when it is yours and the wheezing and barking sound of your child trying to breathe...well there is no sleep for you. I think kisses are healing. If not for her, definitely for you. I always used to blame myself for germs my son picked up. We mama's are good at guilt. I would ride my son on the bike outside in the cold. it did make it a little better. Hope her illness is short. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteSo scary. Hope she is feeling better soon.
ReplyDeleteLittle Clio, get better, get better, get better.
ReplyDeleteAnd Mama, your kisses are sweet, not selfish. She got this bug from being alive on planet earth. Of course you know that, but I want to vote yes - again.
I have been on the merry-go-round a million times, trying to figure out if this or that or the other thing I did/did not do has harmed my children. Does autism, somehow, fall on the mother's shoulders? Is there something I should have known or done?
If there was, I was too limited, too finite, to know. I guess that's okay, because that's the way it is.
I still think she got the croup somewhere besides your kisses. Give her some more. :)
Cathy in Missouri
Thank you everyone, for your well-wishes. Clio is doing much better. It has been a rough couple of nights with Leif and I taking shifts sleeping in the same room with her but she seems to be on the downhill slope of this thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for making me feel better that it wasn't my fault, although, to be honest it did probably come from me. Considering I see patients all day who are sick with colds and flus it must have been. But still, I can not NOT kiss her. I think it is an inborn trait amongst parents.
I'm late to the party and am glad to hear Clio's on the mend. She is one seriously beautiful little babe. But you already know that :)
ReplyDeleteSending her some smooches, and hugs to you. And sleep.
xo
Poor sweet baby she does look so very kissable. I can see how you can't resist. I am sorry she was ill and I am glad she is doing better. Plus you know their immune systems work better when they have to fight off the occasional bug.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest son ended up the in the E.R. a few weeks ago. They tought it was his appendix. I had to leave him there with his Dad till we got the final outcome, I couldn't stay there. I was a mess. The thought of him being put under, potential side effects and all that was just too much. Turns out he was fine. It is as if death will always be there whispering in our ears. Making us more fearful but I also believe it makes us love stronger and hold tighter.
We just have to keep giving those kisses and keep holding them close. It is worth them catching the occasional bug we may bring home because they get to know what it means to be loved like nobody else.