.and i now pronounce you graduated.

So technically I haven't graduated yet.  Because I missed so much school when I was in the hospital and after my c-section I am having to make up a lot of work.  It is just busy work but I am literally just happy that they are letting me graduate that I don't really care at this point.  For a good five or six weeks I really thought that I was going to have to repeat a class next year because it is only offered once during the course of the program.  I was almost at the point where I thought I was going to have to pick up another nasty habit to ease my anxiety as my nails were already chewed off as much as they could possibly be. 

By next Tuesday I think I will be completely finished and then I can move onto the next hurdle...passing the board exam and finding a job.  Like a real job with real patients. 

It still feels a little surreal to be done with school.  When I started this program three years ago it was with 45 other strangers.  Now I am finished and had to say goodbye to 45 friends (ok, not really all 45 are my friends but it just seemed less dramatic to say anything less).  Some of them I know I will probably never see again.  Others I am sure I will always keep in touch with, in one way or the other. 

 

.palm springs.

I've come to the conclusion that I am really just an old woman in a young woman's body.  While at the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs this came to me as we lay poolside, observing all the other hotel guests.  There were too many people.  Especially too many overly-young (very early 20-somethings), overly-bronzed, overly-loud, and overly-hip people for my tastes.  At some point in my life, probably about eight years ago, I would have loved this crowd (because I was this crowd) but now it is just too much for me. 

But that being said it was fun.  The place is pretty darn cute and the rooms were very comfortable.  By far the best part of the trip was the airtram ride and hike in the San Jacinto mountains just above PS.  I would definitely recommend going at least once to anyone who lives in Los Angeles.  It was absolutely breathtaking.

.my favorite mothers.

  Mom,

You have always been there for me when I've needed you.  You laugh with me when I laugh and cry with me when I cry.  I know you are proud of the way I have turned out and I have you and dad to thank for that.  Thank you for always supporting me in everything I do.

Lisa,

I watch you with your girls and I am amazed.  You have raised a wonderful little person named Maya.  She is inquisitive, well-behaved, and happy.  It is so obvious that Leela loves you so much.  I know that she will grow up to be just as wonderful as Maya but in her own great ways.  I hope that I will be as good as a mother as you are.

 Tricia,

How can someone get so lucky as to have you for a mother-in-law.  You are kind and patient and generous.  You have always made me feel welcome and a part of your family.  Although you are so far away you have been with us through our hard times.  I have you and Eric to thank for raising such a wonderful son.

 Grandma,

You have been gone for over three years now.  In my life you are the strongest, bravest, and most incredible woman that I will ever know. 

Jackie,

You are an enigma.  I have no idea how you raise two active one-year old babies and have all the energy you do.  You are super-mom and super-friend.

.here.

The last few weeks have been full of important dates; Leif's 35th birthday, our anniversary and my graduation.  But what we've noticed is that it has been difficult to really celebrate these occasions because every happy event is tinged with a sense of loss that is very deep.  That loss only seems to grow and expand as June 16th gets nearer.

But still...we try.  We try to celebrate these events because otherwise life just sucks too damn much.  Eventually we will get to a place where our life is amazingly happy again punctuated by moments of sadness rather than the reverse, which is what it feels like to me right now.

Truth be told, that is how I want things for now.  I want to honor George's brief life and the only way I know how to do that is to feel incredibly sad.  I am ok with keeping him close in that way.  Maybe one day I will find another way to keep him near to me without feeling the way I do.  But for now I am good with this way.

.05.06.07.

I loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you.  No, I loved you long before that.  I loved you from the moment of my creation.  My heart has always belonged to you, long before I knew your name.

Thank you for loving me back.  Thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for making my life amazing.

Happy 3rd anniversary.

.want.

...need.

found here

.the grey room.

i want to stay here.  i feel close to him here.  in this gray room.  it is already beginning to smell musty and there is dust on the floor.  people are forgetting that this room exists.  we get visitors less and less frequently and i get lonely here. 

he still lives here.  i can hold him and kiss him here. 

i wonder if one day i will wake up and not remember how to get here anymore.