.that went well.

I failed.  I couldn't handle being at my niece's birthday party for more than an hour and a half. 

I really thought I was doing better these days....

It wasn't the multitudes of children or babies, although I think had there been a three-week old baby boy there I might have gone insane.

I failed because I couldn't handle being around my sister's very pregnant friend.  I should have expected that she would be there.  But I was surprised when I saw her.  I hadn't thought about her in months even though I knew she was only a few weeks behind me in dates. 

I failed and so I hid in my niece's bedroom and cried. 

I cried and scolded myself for feeling envious and angry. 

Angry with myself because maybe I was making other people uncomfortable and that is the last thing that I want to do.  Maybe she could tell by my lack of eye contact or by my inability to be anywhere near her that I was really uncomfortable with her presence there.  I feel like such an asshole. 

So we left after only an hour and a half.  I didn't even stay to eat any chocolate birthday cake (which is really unheard of for those of you reading who don't know me in real life).  We decided that the only healthy thing to do would be to go watch a movie about the positivity of life.  Naturally we saw Predators.

I struggle with talking about this part of my grief.  The part where seeing pregnant women with due dates anywhere near my own makes me feel paralyzed with grief and envy.  What good does it do?  I don't want to be a source of sadness or anxiety to other women, especially those in my life who are pregnant.  I want them to be able to enjoy being pregnant without worrying about me and how I am doing.  I want them to feel confident that I am excited and happy for them and that I want nothing but the best for them.  Because, really that is all true. 

I don't know where the line is anymore.  What things should I be honest about and what things should I shield people from? 

I really have not a clue.  So I flip-flop, like a politician during an election year.