.disquiet.

Last night I had a dream in which Leif and I were part of a small group of survivors of some unknown catastrophe that left most of the human race dead.  I think it must have been happening in the far future or on another planet because there were absurd flying ships, strange technologies, and a once-human-now-talking-feline sidekick involved.  Hayao Miyasaki films have obviously made quite an impact on my subconscious mind.  For most of the dream, at least the part I can remember, Leif and I were separated on different ships and I was desperate to get to him. 

Oh, the amount of subtext in this dream is quite something, I think.

I woke up with a stomach ache; the kind that convinced me that my stomach had finally decided it had had enough of being a slave to my bad eating habits and was extricating itself from my innards to look for greener pastures.  Fair enough.  But the stomach ache quickly turned into nausea; the nausea quickly caused the already brimming water in my eyes to spill out onto the white pillow cases.

Some days I just wake up feeling his absence so strongly. 

My stomach ache and the nausea are manifestations of my anxiety, I know that for certain.  A quick look at my nails will tell anyone that anxiety is something I struggle with.  It is a gross habit.  At one point in time I thought I had it conquered but the day we were given George's diagnosis was the day I returned to my old ways and my pretty nails have not been seen since.

Over the last five years that Leif and I have been together my anxiety has significantly improved.  Somehow he is able to quell the rough waters that often occupy my mind.  He is magic.  He is salve to my soul.

But there are still times when even his magic fails and I am left alone to face those stormy waters in my mind.  So that is where I am right now, making a desperate attempt to batten down the hatches by myself.  I've been here before but very seldom am I as anxious as I am today.  As I am right now.

The pounding of my heart is marking the passage of time toward the date that I take my board exam.  Twelve days.  It has been beating so loudly the last couple of days that I can hardly keep focused enough to study.  It certainly isn't helping matters that I am studying the second of two disciplines that I dreaded the most.  The first being obstetrics and this one being cardiology.  

But I wonder if it is really the exam making me anxious or if it is something else.  After all, I think the last written exam I was nervous about was the MCAT and that was almost nine years ago.   My best guess as to the cause of this anxiety is that it is not the exam itself but rather the part that comes after the exam.  The applying for jobs part.  The interviewing part.  The huge change that Leif and I are going to be making part. 

 .L.

And I am pretty sure that the huge cup of coffee I had this afternoon wasn't decaf as I had asked for.  Because otherwise I would not be wishing that I had a zipper attached to my skin so I could more easily crawl out of it.