I am about to offend 200 million people. Luckily for me only 0.0001% of those people may actually see this so I think I am relatively safe.
I Do Not Understand Why People Love Facebook.
Let me explain.
Leif has a Facebook account, which he rarely even looks at. I do not have one and I highly doubt that I ever will. But, and I am confessing this dirty little secret...I used to check his account everyday but not so much recently. He knows this, by the way, and is totally fine with it. I am not some crazed and jealous wife who sits at home smoking Marlboro Reds, while guzzling warm PBR and checking her husband's Facebook account during my soap opera's commercial breaks. It was his idea in the first place to give me his password so I could get an idea of what this phenomenon was all about.
BTW, Google, it is so obvious that you are totally jelz of Facebook when your auto spell check on Blogger does not recognize "Facebook" as a legitimate word.
Initially I got on and looked at a bunch of photographs of people I knew from high school via one of my good friend's profile (Hello Good Friend, please don't take my social network site hating personal-like). It was hypnotizing. Like watching a cuttlefish change colors right before it eats its stunned prey.
I am not above mocking the people I never really liked in school in the privacy of my own home (the only thing worse than a teenage bully is an adult one so I tend to keep my mocking private). In fact I am very much below that. I think, upon the first time perusing the Facebook accounts of some people I used to know and not like so much, I actually guffawed*. I guffawed!
But the novelty wore off pretty quickly.
I was hesitant to get an account even before I started looking at Leif's but now I am sure that it is not for me. "Friend" requests (and I use the term "friend" very loosely here), "So and so" is now friends with "so and so" plastered all over the place, photoshop retouched profile photographs, "So and so" likes stuff, poking people, trends for ridiculous things...
I found that the only updates that I was interested in were from people I am already in contact with anyway, which kind of defeats the purpose I think. At least it does for me.
Plus, being on this side of infant death (stillbirth or neonatal) Facebook is not really a friendly place to be. I am sure all the other women on this side of the divide who read this blog would agree with me. I've heard a lot from this community of women who do have accounts how they have to "ignore" a good amount of people because of the incessant beaming and cooing and bragging that they are bombarded with. A great use for that feature, I think. Also a necessary one when you are being constantly reminded of what your child never had the chance to experience**.
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
Yet I still get on and check it every other day or so. A morbid fascination. A little bit of masochism. It is like my very own Frienemy. The other day Leif asked me if I ever get bored looking at his account full of people I don't know. Yes. But I don't think it would bore me any less to have one of my own.
So, to the 0.0001% (or less, I'm not going to overestimate my appeal here) of Facebook users who actually read this blog, I'm genuinely interested to know what it is that I am missing. I'm in such a distinct minority (200 million people have accounts!!!) that I am convinced that I am overlooking something on this subject. It is a "Its me, not you," kind of thing.
*ROFLOL in Facebook
**I considered deleting this part because I was afraid of offending people who read this blog, who have babies or are expecting babies, who have never experienced a loss, and who use Facebook. I didn't want to cause the pendulum to swing the other way, so to speak, and make people question too much what it is that they are sharing. But then I decided to leave it as it is with this explanation so as to hopefully ease some of those tensions that it may create.
Sometimes, but not all the time, it is painful to see updates about things Leif and I never got to experience or that George never got to experience. I absolutely do not want people to censor themselves (other than beyond basic courtesy) but I am weary of pretending that at times it is not painful. Being in the minority (and thank God or whoever/whatever that most babies make it into this world just fine) makes things pretty lonely and when faced with daily examples of just how unlucky my son was...well, it sucks.
But that isn't a phenomenon solely attributed to Facebook. That is part of life for us. A part of life that I know many women like me feel badly for talking about. It is why we feel a responsibility to hide our grief and envy away from other women (currently pregnant and/or with infants). It is why we use the term "medusas" to describe ourselves.
So there it is.
I'm leaving that entire part in. For me and for all the other women I know who are too embarrassed (like me) or ashamed (like me) to say that sometimes seeing other people wrapped up in blissful naivety burns.
Amen Sista!
ReplyDeleteI do have a Facebook account and can't stand the thing. My teenage sister talked me into it because she's on it all the time, but it's just not for me. I get on every once in awhile, mostly for her benefit and to see what she's shared with me lately.
Still, I don't get it - why share all those details of my life over the computer when I wouldn't share all those details of my life in person? If I ran into an old high school friend I hadn't seen in ten years I don't think I would share even half of the crap people post on there all the time.
Then again, maybe it is just me, as we ran into an old high school friend just yesterday who in the two minute conversation we had managed to tell us all sorts of things including how much he makes at his job. Maybe over-sharing is the in thing now?
Also, yes, Facebook sucks even more now because of the proliferation of babies and pregnancies and photos of them and complaints about them. I've had to ignore just about everybody on my "friend" list because if I read one more comment about how awful it is to be a new mom because of the sleep deprivation or the lack of alone time or whatever, I think I might take the computer out to the backyard and deal with it "Office Space" style.
Wow. I apparently don't like Facebook even more than I thought. This is a rather long and ranting comment. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who isn't crazy about the ol' Facebook.
I confess - I use and like Facebook. I use it to keep up with friends from college who have moved here, there, and everywhere. I use it to send messages to my two best friends (aquafit this week? movie Friday? lunch next week? ...) in town because neither of them believe in texting which is my preferred mode of communication. My midwife and I communicate over Facebook too. I don't play the games like Farmville, or poke people, or utilize the quizzes because I find them silly and juvenile, but overall I like Facebook.
ReplyDeleteFacebook is kinda like those bad TV talent shows, you only watch because you actually enjoy disliking most of what is on there. It's only ever as good as the other people you are "friends" with. But it is especially horrible watching other people's babies grow up post after post. Hubby's cousin had a baby that was born exactly the same time as Bella was due and it was heartbreaking having that reminder of what should have been for us.
ReplyDeleteI have an account and occasionally I have a look, cringe over some photo that has me in it with people who used to be friends, sometimes I post something or say hello to a fellow baby lost mum but mostly I wonder why people spend so much time playing odd little games.
ReplyDeletexxx
Jenn: Yeah, I often think it is a little strange that people from the past seem to come back via Facebook. There are a few people I would like to get back in touch with but generally I think that there are time frames for friendships/relationships and it is ok to let them stay in the past. I think it is too bad that you have been exposed to all that complaining about babies:( I have to admit, that at least on Leif's account most people who comment about their kids are not complaining, which is good.
ReplyDeleteLaughing at "Office Space" stlye.
Angela: Don't like text messages!! I love text messages. They, too, are my preferred method of communication. I do see the appeal of being able to connect with people you are close to. I guess it is just all the other stuff that baffles me.
Fairy: Yep, I guess that is a good way of putting it. I love bad reality TV so I think that partly explains my fascination with this phenomenon.
Barbara: I've heard of those games -farmville- but I don't really know much about them either. I do play a lot of scramble on my iphone so I don't know if that is any different, really:)
Hmmm, I'm guessing now is not the time to confess that I spend far too much time playing those 'odd little games'! The infamous Farmville and Scrabble and all those other word games. And I have been known to participate in the odd quiz but try and keep to the more 'high brow' end like 'Which Shakespearean lady are you?' It's a burning question! I'm all about the silly and juvenile I'm afraid Angela ;) But I draw the line at 'poking', that evens SOUNDS wrong.
ReplyDeleteI mainly use it to keep in touch with my far flung relatives (my mother is South African) and friends who have moved abroad. It's good for sharing photographs (un-retouched I promise!)
Don't much like people posting ultrasound pictures and pregnancy and/or complaints about small children but I know that they don't see these posts through my eyes when I am one of hundreds of 'friends'.
Erm, I'll get my coat.
Catherine: Actually I totally get using it for keeping in touch with the far flung relative. I had no idea your mother is South African. Now that sounds very exotic to me:)
ReplyDeleteOK, I'll bite.
ReplyDeleteFacebook saved my life in those first few days, even the day we took Otis off of life support. Everyone knew I was overdue, everyone wanted to know what was going on (I was in labor for 3 days!!!) I couldn't figure out how to blast the message and I NEEDED everyone to know. EVERYONE. We sent out a message that Otis was critically ill and in the NICU. We asked for our privacy to be respected, meaning no texts, no calls. But the FB messages and comments began to flood in. And I was amazed and touched by the outpouring of love. I remember reading comments as I was trembling in a dark hospital room in the middle of the night. Hundreds of candles were lit around the world and pictures were posted up on fb pages. Prayer requests showed up on so many of my friends' status updates. It was truly amazing. E and I felt so incredibly supported, so held up by our community, so loved as we faced this incredibly scary and heartbreaking time. Our friends were able to post memorial information, links to his web page, set up meal deliveries. People came out of the woodwork to tell me they had experienced similar losses, or their friends had, or their parents had.
Just last night, I posted a photo of Otis's three candles (lit for the three month anniversary) and so many friends immediately chimed in and sent love. It felt genuine, supportive, and helpful. It's a quick blast way to reach out and ask for help. I get that it's a little impersonal, but at the same time, right now, sometimes it's all I can do to reach out. And I also don't feel like I'm burdening a friend in the same way as if I called or texted that specific person, you know? This way, the people who want to respond or reach out or who are available to help can.
Though I should of course say, I *do* hate all the friggin pregnancy announcements and infant photos. I've had to hide a LOT of people recently.
But overall, and of course selfishly, it's served me really amazingly well in the last few months. It has been a lifeline in helping me to know how loved and supported we are through these dark days. We had over 200 people come to Otis's memorial service, some friends I wouldn't have ever thought to get in touch with to let them know ("why would they care? we haven't spoken in years!") and I know it was because of FB.
And our two weeks in Maui, in January? We are being hosted by a friend from college, who I never would have reconnected with if it weren't for FB. She's got a guest house there and is hosting us for two weeks. She knows loss too well (her husband died on 9/11 in the WTC and has also lost two pregnancies with her 2nd husband) and she has reached out and been an incredible support to us.
OK, I'll end my dissertation on why FB works for me. :)
I think most people who know me know my homage to the great fb these days. And it ain't pretty. My beef with it has to do with the lack of reality in the lives of many of the people I know who post. And it's like HS revisited on thee sometimes. I love how sooo many people posted on my wall or perhaps sent a meal and now- 3 months out I haven't heard a word from them. Some are actually waiting for me to call them. Yep- keep waiting- I'm right on it.
ReplyDeleteSorry I sound bitter- and I will step off of my soapbox, it's just that for me this post was really funny and fitting. While I haven't gone as far as deleting my account, I also have not clicked on more than twice since Cullen died. I don't think I'm missing anything- unless you count the two "super excited wonderful news' pregnancy announcements that binged over to my email as well. Awesome.
PS- Sarah- now that was a serious FB PRO! And you know how jealous I am of Maui- did you say you needed a third wheel!!? I call shotgun!!!
Sarah, it is wonderful that you have found such support through FB. I think your experience is a good example how well it can work. I'm glad that it has been a source of strength for you. Thanks for giving me your input and sharing your experience.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, you just made me laugh. I think Sarah actually said she needed a third wheel and a fourth wheel for good measure.
ReplyDeleteI've heard stories like Sarah's where FB has really done wonderful things (for example all the support Mandy received when she lost her sweet daughter, Hudson) and I can't deny that it has the ability to be really powerful.
But, sadly, I think most of the time it doesn't live up to its potential. Also, there should really be a filter for stuff. Like an "opt out of pregnancy related news" button or something.
Looks like we are doing the same thing - checking out the hubby's facebook account. LOL. We don't share the same friends so I'm safe from seeing "surprise" statuses of people I know. But I write about tech so I "borrow" his account to look at its new web features. So I can't really "escape" from it altogether.
ReplyDeleteI used to have one but I've deactivated it and I have no inclination to go back to it. I USED to be a social networking freak that even my cats and dog have catster and dogster accounts! (I know I did say I was a freak...(;_;). But after the loss of my son, I deleted every site I have.
I found I no longer have the enthusiasm to know what's happening with other people, I couldn't care less if they have pics of their new vacation or what goofy games they're into. I remember there was one friend on FB who's taking care of her baby niece and had a penchant to give a blow-by-blow account of her niece's poop consistency on her FB status. *sigh* That's waaaay beyond TMI.
I admit FB has its usefulness - it's been a good way to get in touch with families and friends who are abroad. But like you said, it needed better filters, yes, an "opt out of pregnancy related news" button or "banning baby poop statuses or baby pics" filter would be great additions.
Right now I don't see any reason for me to go back to FB. I found I can no longer relate to what's going on there. I know this feeling may change down the road but for the moment I want to be "disconnected" from it.
We've had a similar experience to Sarah. After the accident and Z's funeral, I posted a photo of her birth/death announcement to FB, and we felt a huge wave of love and support from near and far. Because we weren't taking calls and only having close family & friends visit, it was a way for people to show their support.
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't mean it hasn't had its hard bits though - especially when a friend who I'd been pregnant with posted photos of her daughter while I was still in hospital. But that isn't just a FB occurrence. And bizarrely, I was desperate to see those photos, even if it was torturous. I did get angry for a while with people who hadn't seen the original announcement, but realised that many people don't check FB very often, and it is easy to miss an update.
We also use it to keep in touch with loved ones overseas or interstate. When friends of ours living in Paris lost their baby boy when he was 6mths old (he was born just before Z died) - they messaged us on FB and we were able to offer our love and sorrow via FB chat. Hard, but so important at the time.
((hugs)) glad for your rant.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit behind on this thread...but I do use fb. And it's a love/hate relationship for me. I do keep in contact with people in other cities...especially blm's after Lyra died. I hate the fakeness part. I once wittled down my friends to those with whom I actually communicated...but then there was some major drama, so I just leave everyone on if I've added them now. I only put on there what I'd actually say in person...or I think what I'd say in person to someone if I met up with them. I hate having "friends" add me and they never talk to me.
Since being pregnant with Simon it's been bittersweet...everyone acts like he's our first baby. Or like I've never experienced pregnancy before. And if I'm being completely honest, I still really struggle seeing people's baby pics and pregnancy stuff...unless they are blm's too, or I know they've struggled with infertility. I also try to do a fair share of posting about Lyra too...since she is a significant part of my life. If we get to bring Simon home, I've thought about what to do about baby pics...I'll probably make a private album so I don't barf baby pics all over everyone's walls. Maybe I should have done that already with the preggo pics I've done. I don't know. I certainly have not meant to hurt anyone, but I know it's hard to see the pics of other babies.