to remember him

I went to buy toys today to give to the Children's Hospital in memory of George for the Holidays.   It is something that I think I will be doing every year and with toys for whatever age group he would be a part of.  I bought toys that were age appropriate for both nine month olds and for six month olds because I can never seem to reconcile in my mind how old he would be right now if he had not died.  Six months if his heart had never started beating too fast or nearly nine months had by some enormous stroke of luck he survived after having five weeks of heart failure and being born at 29 weeks gestation.

I walked around those aisles for a good twenty minutes, glassy eyed, before deciding on three plush crib toys that play music when their bellies are squeezed.  I tried to imagine them in the cribs and bringing some fun to their recipients but I had a difficult time going to that place in my head.  Parents zoomed around, stuffing toys in their carts, and I just stood there on the verge of tears the entire time.  I don't even think they noticed the sullen-looking woman with three stuffed animals in her arms and tears in her eyes.

Then I got home and made the mistake of getting on one of those birth club message boards for June 2010.  I was feeling particularly masochistic and wanted to see what all the other babies who were born when George should have been look like and what they were doing.  It was like pulling the curtain back for a brief moment on that alternate life of mine.  I didn't stay long.

After today I am not feeling so brave any longer about the actual trip to the Children's Hospital to drop off the toys.  It isn't a hospital that I associate with George as he was born in another hospital miles away.  But my fear is that when I hand it off to the volunteers they will want to make small talk and I will burst into tears.  Spontaneous human combustion.  Only with tears and snot instead of with fire.  But I will go anyway because it is so incredibly important to me that I do something in his memory this year.

I want to say thank you to Susan, Jenn, and Jennifer who all made ornaments for George this year.  They are so beautiful and because we don't have a tree this year they are sitting on our mantle where I can see them everyday.  Thank you for remembering him and doing something for us to acknowledge his life.  Leif and I both need that acknowledgment so much.