The world hums. A vibration of life and the passage of time and I feel it resonating in my bones. The only two things to be sure of in life are change and death. One inevitable and the other unavoidable and permanent. Oh yes, and it is the permanence that is the very heart of every tear and every wail and every silent scream for the rest of my life.
Awaking in a new place for the first time this morning- change. But the first thought in the lightening blue of dawn is a familiar one; how could this have happened to him? Followed by a new one; today he died this year but tomorrow he died last year.
And "last year" seems so far away. So very dead for so very long and so very long just keeps getting longer. The slow progression of afternoon shadows, growing until the night comes to absorb them.
This year. For eight more hours it is still The Year of George.
I think that so many of us are having a really hard time letting go of the year of life and death. I had so much hope for 2010- and it bit me in the ass. So now I sit here in the midst of the ever frustrating TTC and wonder what will come of 2011... the hope I held so high a year ago is almost impossible to find. Thinking of you and sweet George....
ReplyDelete2010 is also The Year of Eliza and I told my husband as I hung up the calendar today that I don't want to fill in anything on it. I don't want to move on without her. To make matters worse (not really possible), 2011 should have been the Year of Eliza--her due date was January, and at the end of the year, the annual calendars I make and give as Christmas gifts to our parents and grandparents should have been full of photos of her. It's not just a loss that hurts and then we move away from it. It hurts over and over again as we move forward and experience that loss everyday through canceled plans and dashed hopes.
ReplyDeleteAs always, Brianna, you've hit the nail on the head. Thinking of you and of beautiful George.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written, Brianna.
ReplyDeleteIn my heart, George is always Brianna's and Leif's son, time eternal. ((hugs))