riding a bike on a frozen lake

On a whim Leif and I have decided to move*.  Not anywhere far but to a new part of the city and somewhere we've never explored before.  In the hills with a beautiful view and terraced patios.  I'm excited.  New rooms to decorate.  More furniture to buy at flea markets and refurbish.

A new house to make into a home.

But...

And isn't there always a "but?"

Part of me feels like I am leaving behind a piece of George here in this apartment.  It was here that housed all of the hopes we had for him while he was still alive and healthy.  Grief has all but choked out that hope but I can still catch glimpses of them from time to time.  Sometimes I can still remember what it was like to think of him with only joy and not the longing with which I think of him now.  He was alive here.  At one point he was in the present here.  In our new place he will always be in the past.

On so many levels and because of so many things going on in our lives right now I feel like I am closing a door on him.   I know, I know, I know people -including my therapist- will say that it isn't true.  But isn't it true just a little?  When tragedy strikes isn't there a point when we make a conscience decision to start living our lives again?  When we decide to keep moving forward and to start folding dreams of the future back into daily living?

I think Leif has been at that point for awhile now, patiently waiting for me to turn my gaze back to the road ahead instead of the chaos behind.

....

*I wrote this long explanation about how our landlord reacted very poorly to this news last night.  But then I deleted it all.  Let me just say that she was very, very unhappy that we were giving our thirty days notice even though we are within our rights to do so.  The conversation was not pretty and at one point getting an attorney was mentioned on her part.  Later that night she called and conceded to the fact that we were legally within our rights to give our thirty day notice at any point during the month but it doesn't negate how terribly we were treated earlier.  Seriously, folks, it was unreal.  I've never been spoken to like that before and I've dealt with some really tough patients before.  The interaction just made me feel more ready to get the fuck out of here.  Hopefully our new landlord is a reasonable human being who treats other people in her life with respect.  

Please keep your fingers crossed that our landlord does not try to make our remainder here any more uncomfortable than it already is going to be.  I can't wait until these are the views we will be seeing every day.