..

This is complete and utter bullshit.

Today I refuse to try and be happy.  Today I will lay in my dark bedroom, close my eyes and let myself remember everything.

I will remember his button nose.  I will remember his tiny arms and the blue-green veins that traced along his fingers.  I will remember watching his dad hold him.  I will remember him alive.  I will remember kissing him while he could still feel my touch.  I will remember him in death.  I will remember everything we lost when we lost our boy.

There is no consoling, no "things will get better with time." They will not.  Not really.  I may learn to live my life but there will always be a gaping bleeding hole inside.  I will be eighty years old and I will still grieve my son.

I want to find solace with other women who have lost their babies too.  But mostly I find women using terms like "angel baby" and how God will see them through this and all along this was part of His plan...  and I cannot relate.  I don't have any notion in my mind that George is an angel in Heaven and I don't believe God, if there even is one, had any hand to play in this disaster.  Praying to a god who allowed my son to die is not going to heal my heart and it most certainly won't bring him back from the dead. 

I used to believe.  In another life.  A life long before George was even a light on the horizon . 

I often wonder, while jumping from blog to blog if dead babies mostly only happen to Christians.  It seems this way.  Perhaps before their own dead babies at least a few of them were like me: agnostic at most.  But maybe tragedy of this magnitude makes people hold on to anything that makes them feel less despair.  I can understand and I certainly don't begrudge anyone of their faith, but I can't relate.  Right now I want so much to relate to another person who carries this around with them with the same sense of finality that I do.  I only feel more alone and isolated with every blog, every message board, every book I find. 

Leif believes.  He believes we will see our son again one day.  I am happy that he does.  It makes me happy that he has hope.  He has hope enough for both of us and for now that has to be enough.