.should.

Today is the day that I start studying for my board exam.  I figure that it will be two months of full time studying before I am actually ready to take the thing.  The last thing I want to do is fail it because then I couldn't take it again for another three months.  No pressure.

I have to admit that my anxiety about taking the test is tied up in my heartache over George.  Being alone, in silence, with a bunch of boring reading material is a recipe for disaster.  My worst moments, those moments where I am so overwhelmed with grief and irrational thoughts,

If only I had made the ultrasound appointment for a week earlier....If only we had tried another intracardiac injection...If only we had not decided on comfort care...

are those when I am alone. 

I can't help but be distracted and wonder how differently things should have turned out.  Should.  My favorite word.  As if life should be anything at all other than what it is.  I should have been able to have a healthy baby.  I should be washing tiny little baby clothes and packing my hospital bag to be ready for when I went into labor.  It should be very, very soon.  I should be anticipating holding my son for the first time. 


June 16th.  
June 16th.  
June 16th.
June 16th.

Shoulds and if onlys will follow me around for the rest of my life, biting at my heels every time I see a child around George's age.  How does one get over that part? How does one go on in this world instead of the one that should have been?

I miss him so much. 

I want him back.