no thanks christmas, i'd really rather not

For the last few years that Leif and I have lived together we have gone to get our Christmas Tree the first weekend of December.  We started out with a miniature tree to match our miniature apartment in Santa Monica but when we moved to this side of town we upgraded to a small tree that matched our small apartment.  The last three years since we've been here we have gotten the tree at a place a couple of miles from our house and have had to rig it to the top of Leif's old Honda Civic with twine and wishful thinking. No, that isn't quite right.  Last year we had just purchased our new Toyota, in early preparation for my expanding pregnant girth, and we tied the tree to the top of that car.

Neither Leif or I are Christian, as I am sure most of you reading either know already or have surmised from my writing.  I used to be, a long time ago.  Before Leif and I ever met, well over six years now.  As for Leif, he grew up as a Baha'i.  What is that you ask?  Yeah, I asked the same question when we first started dating.  Up until I met Leif my only knowledge of Baha'i was that members of the faith sponsored a section of highway clean-up near my childhood home.  Admittedly I still don't know all that much about it and what I do know about it has mostly been garnered from Wikipedia articles and discussions with Leif or his parents.  Although the rest of Leif's immediate family is Baha'i he hasn't been since he was in high school.  But unlike me, he still has some strong ideas about spirituality and the after life.

Despite the fact the neither one of us are Christian we do celebrate the holiday and getting the tree always signified the beginning of one of our favorite times of year.  Leif loves the egg nog and cold weather and I love the garlands and twinkling lights on the tree.  Last year as we decorated our tree we talked about how this year would be amazing and how much we were looking forward to meeting our future child.  We were so excited it was, looking back, ridiculous of us to assume that everything was going to go exactly as we had planned.  Fools.  Neither of us will ever be those people again.

This year I am not sure that we are even going to get a Christmas Tree.  I don't feel particularly festive right now.  My affection for this holiday has always had to do with celebrating family and friends and seeing as our family is incredibly incomplete I just feel totally apathetic about the whole thing.  Being the amazing and supportive husband that he is, Leif is following my lead on this issue.  So the decision has been left up to me and right now I am leaning towards trying to just power through this holiday with as little tears as possible.  Which will probably entail foregoing the Christmas Tree (I always feel badly about using a live tree anyway) and continuing to lick my wounds in the safety of my, decidedly Christmas Cheer-Free, home.

I think I will venture out into the Christmas season for only the most important activities.  Three events.  Two parties and Christmas morning.  Three days.  The other 28 days can just evaporate for all I care, Christmas Eve included.

In spite of all this I am in a much better place right now than I ever would have imagined that I would be six months ago.   Most days I am actually doing pretty good.  I'm just not ready to fully participate in everyone else's holiday joy.  That part of me that used to participate is too occupied with thoughts of what should be but aren't.

I'm on a wait list to order an ornament for George.  It is a ceramic rain cloud.  I don't think it will get here in time for Christmas anyway, even if we did get a tree.  I'm also participating in an ornament swap and will be getting something for George made by another mother who is missing her daughter this holiday.  I'm making one for her too.  It feels right, even though I am neither Christian or celebrating the holiday this year.

They all deserve to be remembered.